It's almost March, and I am so ready for spring. I never thought that I suffered from seasonal affective disorder, but now I am starting to wonder. I was always the girl who relished a gray, rainy day; what could be more perfect than curling up with a good book (usually Pride and Prejudice or Jane Eyre--perfect rainy-day books) and a cup of fragrant tea and a snuggly blanket while listening to the rain beat comfortingly against the window pane? Now, though, it seems like after months of cold and dreariness, peppered only infrequently with sunshine, I am ready to chuck it all and move to an island somewhere. Sipping mojitos on the beach, windsurfing, maybe even throwing in a good old-fashioned swim with the dolphins, sounds like bliss to me at this point.
These past few weeks have been pretty rough. I had to say goodbye (in some respects) to someone that I still care very deeply for, and it wasn't the easiest thing in the world to do. The right thing, but by no accounts easy. Even still, I get teary-eyed thinking about it. But time heals, and although it's only been two weeks, this is week is better than last, and I'm confident that next will be even better than this. The dreary weather certainly doesn't help, though. How easy it is to pull my comforter over my head and say, "Nope. I don't feel like dealing with the world today. I'm staying right here." Easy, but not practical, nor really, even possible. I have responsibilities, I have school to go to, I have things to do and plans to keep. But sometimes, "Oh, that I were a bird, that I could fly far far away from here." I don't know who said that, but man, do I resonate with that.
I have been blessed with so much, it would be impossible to list it all; most importantly, though, is what Christ did on the cross, and throughout His whole life, and even still, for me. That is my anchor, that is my peace. When the waves of tyranny reek havoc in my heart, He is the One Who says, "Peace, be still." The Bible says that God collects our tears in a bottle. He must have a whole universe full of tears for all of the people across time and all of the tears that they've shed for the small to big heartaches in their lives.
I wonder what He does with them all? And why is He keeping them? Maybe He said it to show us that even one heart's sorrow doesn't go unnoticed. Just as He knows every hair on our heads, every breath we take, every thought in our minds, and every intention of the heart, He cares so intimately for us that He collects each droplet that drips from our cheeks. Oh, to feel that love, for one instant. I did, a few years ago, well, maybe more like seven, now. I was reading John 17, where it says that God loves us as He loves Christ. It broke over me in waves how much He loves me. I still remember it vividly; I remember exactly where I was sitting in my apartment, exactly what the lighting in the room was like, and a prayer that I had prayed earlier. I had said, "God, I need to know that You are real. I need to know that You love me like this Book says You do. I'm having a really tough time believing it. Please, please, help me." I was going through some pretty rough stuff in my life at this point, and so that God answered this prayer was HUGE for me. I was on the couch, reading that passage, and all of a sudden it hit me like Mike Tyson going for the KO; I am loved by the Creator of all things. How is this possible, when He sees all of me, all of the bad intentions mixed with the good, all of the misdeeds, everything that is foul about me, along with everything that is fair? How can He love such a mixed bag of tricks as I? And it was like He whispered, no joke, "I love you for you. I love you as I love My only Son. And He loves you so much that He died to reconcile us, and to give you life." It makes me so mad and really, grieves my heart tremendously when I see the way that God and His word is treated by the world; and I don't excuse myself from this, either. Keller today talked about Romans 2 and how we can go a few ways. 1)narcissism: I'm okay, you're okay, we're all just fine. No problems anywhere. Relativism. Whatever works for you, great. Whatever works for me, great. 2)moralism: I'm okay, you're dead wrong. The type of thinking that led to concentration camps and genocide. 3)masochism: I suck, you're okay. Devaluing ourselves when God has said that we are all precious and priceless. The fourth option is what it should be: I'm not okay, you're not okay, but Christ has come to make it okay, in our souls, now, and eventually, when He comes again, for eternity. We love to interpret the Ten Commandments as "Do this, don't do this. Toe the line or go to hell." But in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus shows that it isn't what we do or don't do; it's the heart attitude. "You have heard it said, 'Do not murder'. But I tell you, that whenever any one of you says 'Raca' in his heart(raca meant 'worthless') you have committed murder already." As per usual for Jesus, He took popular opinion, popular interpretation, and put it on its head. Murder is the tree that grows from a seed of hatred, pride, jealousy, any other heart cancer. So really, it isn't the behavior that needs be dealt with, initially. It is the heart. And that's even harder. But that's what He did.
I majorly digressed; this started out about my self-diagnosed seasonal affective disorder and turned into a sermon recap. But anyway, maybe it is all related. I am a woman, perhaps that makes me always dealing with and living out of things of the heart; but it seems to me, that that is where life is. The Bible says, "Guard your heart, for out of it comes the well-spring of life." For the longest time, I interpreted that to mean, 'don't get too close to anyone (especially men). Don't love too fully or too openly because you'll be way hurt and your well-spring, your energy to live and love and do, will be broken.' Now I see it differently. I see it as an imploring by God to love. I will love, even if it hurts, even if it is not ever returned. I will love by doing what is best for the other person, even if it will cost me something. I will stay open to love, not shutting down for fear of pain, but opening up to share what I've been given, to accept and move through pain if it comes, and to grow from it as I move through it. A friend said to me last week, "You know, Stef, I'm so sorry for your pain right now. But I know, with all my heart, that it will serve to make you a more tender and stronger and a better person than you are right now." May that be true, O Lord, and may it be for Your glory. May I guard my heart in such a way that I am never afraid to love, but only afraid of what it means to not love. May I guard my heart in such a way as to be able to give freely of it to those around me and pour out the blessings I have been abundantly given onto others. May my heart be a blessing, even if that means pain for me sometimes. Jesus was the ultimate best at everything; He guarded His heart like a pro. And yet He suffered the ultimate at the hands of those He loved with a love eternal. It is inexplicable, yet true. May He teach me how to love people like that, in that way.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Little Heroes
He toddled toward me on somewhat unsteady legs, his daddy walking by his side with the IV pole. He had a little mask with teddy bears on it, and was carrying a book that looked a little above his reading level—it had a picture of Chevy Chase and a dog on it. I could tell, in spite of the mask, that he had Downs Syndrome, but I wasn’t sure what he was in the hospital for. As he approached, I crouched down to greet him, and his little legs carried him quickly to my side. “Hi buddy! What’ve you got there?” His eyes smiled a hello, and he said something in baby talk as he held out the book to me. “Hmm…Chevy Chase! He’s a pretty funny guy. Do you like this book?” He babbled something else, clearly wanting to have a conversation, but not yet able to form words. He couldn’t have been older than two, and my arms ached to sweep him up in a big bear hug. As we ‘talked’, his dad was standing there, smiling and laughing at his son’s attempt at grown-up talk. As per usual for these little explorers, something else quickly caught his attention, and he was off. His dad said to him, “Did you say good-bye?” and the little man turned around and opened and closed his hand a few times in a little-kid wave. I waved good-bye and watched this brave little guy amble around the corner, onto new adventures.
It is the first week of my pediatric rotation, and I am in love. It is SO GREAT to be back with the younguns. After two and a half years of working at Children’s in St.Paul, it felt like coming home to be back with the children. I am continuously in awe of these little heroes. Rach and I cared for a little girl who has acute lymphocytic leukemia, a very common childhood disease. Common but awful. But I have never seen such a brighter ray of sunshine than this eleven-year-old. She was losing hair, and had been in the hospital for months, and now was anemic as well. And when we talked to her, one would think that she was at the mall or on the beach. Such a cheerful disposition and positive attitude. She was explaining acupuncture to me; she got it to help with her appetite. I’ve never had it, and asked her what it felt like, and she put one finger on her forearm and tapped it a few times. “Go like this,” she said. “It feels just like this. It doesn’t hurt at all!” As I tapped my arm in imitation, she smiled her appreciation and approval.
The little boy next to her was in getting radiation and chemotherapy for a medullary tumor. He was eight. And unbelievably adorable. When the NP was speaking to his parents about his current treatment, Rach and I were playing ‘catch’ with him. He would take his super-hero action figure and shoot a little rocket thing from it, and we’d try to catch it. Rachel was much better than me; I was pretty pathetic at it. But he was having a good time and laughing, and actually speaking a bit. With his cancer, post-op mutism is apparently pretty common, so to hear him speak was a pretty big deal. His folks were funny, earlier teasing him, “Gosh, kiddo, don’t talk so much! We can’t hear the doctors!” He hadn’t said anything at all at this point, but appreciated their humor and smiled at them.
There are so many cases like this, and the most amazing thing is the atmosphere here. One would think that this would be the most depressing place in the world, and I’m sure for the families, it probably is. But you wouldn’t know it to look at the kids. They are sick and missing school and a normal childhood. And they are all smiles and hugs and sunshine and kisses. Truly little heroes.
I am so looking forward to going back on Wednesday. I can’t wait to see them all and love on them and, I know, learn so very much from them. How much they have to teach us all about facing the obstacles in life with bravery and strength. And when they don’t feel strong, they reach down deep and discover a strength that maybe they didn’t even know was there. I love their humor, their indomitable spirits, their unbelievable fortitude. I am in awe.
As I walk through the unit, taking in the bright colors and stories written on the walls, looking in the rooms at a dozen different dramas being silently played out in the hearts and souls of the patients and their families, I wonder what the future holds for these tiny warriors. I pray for the families and their dear children, my soul aching for them and their agony over what they must suffer. To be a nurse here is more than just dispensing meds and bandaging physical wounds; it is a ministry, a service. It is an awesome privilege to be here.
It is the first week of my pediatric rotation, and I am in love. It is SO GREAT to be back with the younguns. After two and a half years of working at Children’s in St.Paul, it felt like coming home to be back with the children. I am continuously in awe of these little heroes. Rach and I cared for a little girl who has acute lymphocytic leukemia, a very common childhood disease. Common but awful. But I have never seen such a brighter ray of sunshine than this eleven-year-old. She was losing hair, and had been in the hospital for months, and now was anemic as well. And when we talked to her, one would think that she was at the mall or on the beach. Such a cheerful disposition and positive attitude. She was explaining acupuncture to me; she got it to help with her appetite. I’ve never had it, and asked her what it felt like, and she put one finger on her forearm and tapped it a few times. “Go like this,” she said. “It feels just like this. It doesn’t hurt at all!” As I tapped my arm in imitation, she smiled her appreciation and approval.
The little boy next to her was in getting radiation and chemotherapy for a medullary tumor. He was eight. And unbelievably adorable. When the NP was speaking to his parents about his current treatment, Rach and I were playing ‘catch’ with him. He would take his super-hero action figure and shoot a little rocket thing from it, and we’d try to catch it. Rachel was much better than me; I was pretty pathetic at it. But he was having a good time and laughing, and actually speaking a bit. With his cancer, post-op mutism is apparently pretty common, so to hear him speak was a pretty big deal. His folks were funny, earlier teasing him, “Gosh, kiddo, don’t talk so much! We can’t hear the doctors!” He hadn’t said anything at all at this point, but appreciated their humor and smiled at them.
There are so many cases like this, and the most amazing thing is the atmosphere here. One would think that this would be the most depressing place in the world, and I’m sure for the families, it probably is. But you wouldn’t know it to look at the kids. They are sick and missing school and a normal childhood. And they are all smiles and hugs and sunshine and kisses. Truly little heroes.
I am so looking forward to going back on Wednesday. I can’t wait to see them all and love on them and, I know, learn so very much from them. How much they have to teach us all about facing the obstacles in life with bravery and strength. And when they don’t feel strong, they reach down deep and discover a strength that maybe they didn’t even know was there. I love their humor, their indomitable spirits, their unbelievable fortitude. I am in awe.
As I walk through the unit, taking in the bright colors and stories written on the walls, looking in the rooms at a dozen different dramas being silently played out in the hearts and souls of the patients and their families, I wonder what the future holds for these tiny warriors. I pray for the families and their dear children, my soul aching for them and their agony over what they must suffer. To be a nurse here is more than just dispensing meds and bandaging physical wounds; it is a ministry, a service. It is an awesome privilege to be here.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Blessings
"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3: 5 and 6.
What an absolutely breathtakingly gorgeous day it was today...spring is on it's way. As I ran with friends over the George Washington bridge this afternoon, I was thinking on all of the blessings in my life, not the least was sun shining in all of it's glory on me as I felt the wind on my face. For me, running is almost like a prayer; it takes me somewhere that nothing else really can.
I saw a sparrow, crushed and broken on the sidewalk, and my heart twisted inside of me. In a strange and perhaps somewhat macabre way, it reminded me of Luke 12:6-7, "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows."
Whenever I see a sparrow, I think of this verse, and it reminds me how intricately involved God is in the affairs of my life and this world. I was at Starbs yesterday, watching a pigeon and a sparrow eating crumbs off of the sidewalk, oblivious to the passers-by. I get really taken with the simple beauties in life like that. Watching the sparrow and pigeon eating together, not fighting for crumbs, but sharing, hopping around each other in a dance of bird-dom. I don't know why, but seeing something like that brings such happiness to my soul. In a world where foul and horrible things are happening to people each day, to see birds just being birds is somehow so precious.
My friend lent me a short book, more of a poem, called "The Interview With God". It reads as follows:
I dreamed I had an interview with God.
"So you would like to interview Me?", God asked.
"If You have the time", I said.
God smiled. "My time is eternity. What questions do you have in mind for Me?"
"What surprises you most about humankind?"
God answered..."That they get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again. That they lose their health to make money...and then lose their money to restore their health. That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live in neither the present nor the future. That they live as if they will never die, and die as though they had never lived."
God's hand took mine, and we were silent for awhile.
And then I asked, "As a parent, what are some of life's lessons You want Your children to learn?"
"To learn that they cannot make anyone love them. All they can do is let themselves be loved. To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness. To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in those they love, and it can take many years to heal them. To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it differently. To learn that it is not enough that they forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves."
"Thank You for Your time", I said. "Is there anything else You'd like Your children to know?"
God smiled and said..."Just know that I am here...always."
~Author Unknown
What an absolutely breathtakingly gorgeous day it was today...spring is on it's way. As I ran with friends over the George Washington bridge this afternoon, I was thinking on all of the blessings in my life, not the least was sun shining in all of it's glory on me as I felt the wind on my face. For me, running is almost like a prayer; it takes me somewhere that nothing else really can.
I saw a sparrow, crushed and broken on the sidewalk, and my heart twisted inside of me. In a strange and perhaps somewhat macabre way, it reminded me of Luke 12:6-7, "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows."
Whenever I see a sparrow, I think of this verse, and it reminds me how intricately involved God is in the affairs of my life and this world. I was at Starbs yesterday, watching a pigeon and a sparrow eating crumbs off of the sidewalk, oblivious to the passers-by. I get really taken with the simple beauties in life like that. Watching the sparrow and pigeon eating together, not fighting for crumbs, but sharing, hopping around each other in a dance of bird-dom. I don't know why, but seeing something like that brings such happiness to my soul. In a world where foul and horrible things are happening to people each day, to see birds just being birds is somehow so precious.
My friend lent me a short book, more of a poem, called "The Interview With God". It reads as follows:
I dreamed I had an interview with God.
"So you would like to interview Me?", God asked.
"If You have the time", I said.
God smiled. "My time is eternity. What questions do you have in mind for Me?"
"What surprises you most about humankind?"
God answered..."That they get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again. That they lose their health to make money...and then lose their money to restore their health. That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live in neither the present nor the future. That they live as if they will never die, and die as though they had never lived."
God's hand took mine, and we were silent for awhile.
And then I asked, "As a parent, what are some of life's lessons You want Your children to learn?"
"To learn that they cannot make anyone love them. All they can do is let themselves be loved. To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness. To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in those they love, and it can take many years to heal them. To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it differently. To learn that it is not enough that they forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves."
"Thank You for Your time", I said. "Is there anything else You'd like Your children to know?"
God smiled and said..."Just know that I am here...always."
~Author Unknown
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Psych, Sunday, and Sunshine
Sundays are always days of great joy to me, basically because it is the one time of the week where I get to go to church and hear an amazing sermon and sing my heart out to God all of the hymns that I love so much, and today was no different. The sermon today really touched me, and, as per usual, was what I needed to hear.
The last few weeks have been rather rough, emotionally. I have been in my psych rotation, so for roughly 20hrs a week for the past five weeks I have been in the company of severely depressed, schizophrenic, suicidal, etc. people in a locked unit. It was just really difficult to try to maintain professional distance when there are so many people in so much pain, trapped by the circumstances of whatever illness they are suffering. My heart literally aches; I feel helpless in the midst of so much pain, and I want to wave a magic wand and release them from their trials. Even now, writing this, I feel once again the sadness and hopelessness that I felt every day when I walked on the unit. It took everything in me to just make it through this, and fight the sadness that seemed to want to take over me again. I know I have issues with entering too much into people's pain; I am trying to work on it. But for now, it seems nearly impossible to not weep with them, and struggle with them. But then that just leaves two sad people, and how can I help anyone then?
So anyway, I was ripe for the sermon I heard today. As usual, God reached out His hand to me and held me as my heart wept with thinking about all of the people I've met the past few weeks, and what the future holds for them. Each individual life, precious, a gift of God, and trapped in their sickness. It makes me angry and sad and all those things. But I digress.
The sermon was about the power of the Gospel, and it's absolute difference from all other religions out there. Every other religion says, "This is what I must do..." to gain security, salvation, etc. The Gospel says, "This is what has been done." A completely different take. Tim Keller talked about justification, and what that really means. When God says that we are 'justified by grace, through faith, not of our works so that no one can boast', He is defining the relationship. Justification is not about changing the thing, but about changing the relationship to the thing. Jesus not only gave us forgiveness by His death, but, in spite of all the stuff wrong with humanity, He changed God's relationship to us. If all that Jesus gave us was forgiveness, that would be like letting us out of prison, but then saying, "Okay. You're out. Now get a job and be productive and do all the rest yourself." But the Gospel, the Good News, is not like that. It is like being let out of jail and then getting the Congressional Medal of Honor on top of that. Not only are we forgiven, we are heaped with all the medals that Jesus deserved. Pretty crazy amazing. 2 Corinthians 5:21 "God made Him sin, Who knew no sin, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him." Jesus took what our flaws deserve; it really doesn't matter how 'holy' or good or anything we are or try to be. That is completely beside the point. God loves me. In spite of all of the unrighteousness in my heart. He loves ME.
Every human being is looking for acceptance, for someone outside of themselves to assure them that they are worthwhile, that they have value. We all look for that in a myriad of ways. We are all out there trying to earn approval and value; "look at my money, look at my job, look how beautiful I am, I am in this relationship and he/she loves me" etc. We don't call it "looking for righteousness", but that is essentially what it is.
There were a few patients that I met in the ward who were there because of mental breakdowns and suicide attempts after the stock market crash. It looked like they had built their self-worth, their value, their identity on how much money they could make. They were looking for justification, for righteousness, in wealth. Some do it with beauty. "If only I were prettier, then I'd be loved". Look at the fashion industry. The whole point is to say, "Hey, if you buy these clothes, you'll feel good about yourself and be happy and loved and accepted."
In and of themselves, money, clothes, beauty, etc. aren't bad. But when they are used for something they were never meant for, they become destructive. Since we are all afraid of being outsiders, of being the unpopular ones, we cling to these things that were never meant to give us righteousness. And they are unstable; they can all be blown away. Every single thing on earth we look to for purpose, value, worth, etc. can be blown away. The only permanence is what Christ has done. Keller made the point that being a Christian is a standing, not a trying. It is a statement about where we are, not what we are trying to do.
Paul says, "I am not ashamed of the Gospel." Why would he say this were he not facing many people who thought he was silly or ridiculous or just plain nuts to believe what he believed? The Gospel is, by it's very nature, offensive. It offends everyone, at pretty much every level. For some, it's too easy, or too exclusive. For others, it is too simple ("no one can be sure if any of this is true so let's just live whatever way we want..")Because it is utterly different from anything anywhere in the world, it offends everybody and makes no sense to anybody!
John the Baptist, Jesus' own cousin, wondered if Jesus was Who He said He was (Matthew 11). At the end of his life, John was sitting in a jail cell, waiting to be executed, and was confused. If this Christ was Savior, why the heck was he sitting in jail? Why didn't Christ save him? He spent his life proclaiming repentance and the coming of the savior, why didn't Christ give a little back and get him out of this bind? So he sends some buddies to Jesus and says, "Are you the One or should we expect another?" Jesus didn't respond to him, "How dare you question who I am! The outrage! I will smite thee to smithereens and blow thee away! How dare you question my holiness, you who have witnessed my miracles and seen my work!"
Instead, He says (paraphrased) "I'm not offended with people who are struggling with my offensiveness. I know I'm hard. I know that this is all confusing and really not like what anyone is expecting. But come to Me and I'll answer your questions. And then come again with some more hard ones that you are struggling with." What a man! What a Savior!
The Bible is personal; it is not just an abstract set of principles, it is written by a Person to a person. It is transformational: it is the power of God in verbal form.
I have been becoming increasingly uncomfortable calling myself a Christian, simply because there have been so many awful things done in that name. People hear the word "Christian" and automatically assume certain things. Not that I blame them. But hearing Keller expound on what it really means to be a Christian today reminded me again that even if when I say "I'm a Christian" people think certain things about me or how I feel about issues or even who I am, it really doesn't matter. Because God knows my heart, He knows that it beats for Him, and that is what is important.
Being a Christian is not about being a moral, upstanding, righteous, always going to church, always living 'perfectly' person. Being a Christian, the way I think Christ meant it, is being someone who knows that she is utterly faulted and utterly loved, because of Jesus. I don't have to perform a certain way; I don't have to always do the right thing or say the right thing, I am loved by Him. Truly, it is not about me or who I am or what I can do, it's about Him, Who He is, and what He did.
Keller made the point that when one understands this, when one understands the love of God for him or her, that will seduce them to be like Jesus. It isn't the trying to be like Jesus that brings someone righteousness and God's love, it is God's love that compels me to live for Jesus. And when I fall, to remember that I am still loved.
And that made all the difference to me this morning, and let me put all of those suffering people in the psych ward in God's hands, and put my mind at rest over things I've been wrestling through. As I continue to learn and grow and flesh out what it means to follow Jesus in this world, and love and serve others in a healthy and non-self-destructive way, I thank God for the pearls of wisdom and love He sends my way.
The last few weeks have been rather rough, emotionally. I have been in my psych rotation, so for roughly 20hrs a week for the past five weeks I have been in the company of severely depressed, schizophrenic, suicidal, etc. people in a locked unit. It was just really difficult to try to maintain professional distance when there are so many people in so much pain, trapped by the circumstances of whatever illness they are suffering. My heart literally aches; I feel helpless in the midst of so much pain, and I want to wave a magic wand and release them from their trials. Even now, writing this, I feel once again the sadness and hopelessness that I felt every day when I walked on the unit. It took everything in me to just make it through this, and fight the sadness that seemed to want to take over me again. I know I have issues with entering too much into people's pain; I am trying to work on it. But for now, it seems nearly impossible to not weep with them, and struggle with them. But then that just leaves two sad people, and how can I help anyone then?
So anyway, I was ripe for the sermon I heard today. As usual, God reached out His hand to me and held me as my heart wept with thinking about all of the people I've met the past few weeks, and what the future holds for them. Each individual life, precious, a gift of God, and trapped in their sickness. It makes me angry and sad and all those things. But I digress.
The sermon was about the power of the Gospel, and it's absolute difference from all other religions out there. Every other religion says, "This is what I must do..." to gain security, salvation, etc. The Gospel says, "This is what has been done." A completely different take. Tim Keller talked about justification, and what that really means. When God says that we are 'justified by grace, through faith, not of our works so that no one can boast', He is defining the relationship. Justification is not about changing the thing, but about changing the relationship to the thing. Jesus not only gave us forgiveness by His death, but, in spite of all the stuff wrong with humanity, He changed God's relationship to us. If all that Jesus gave us was forgiveness, that would be like letting us out of prison, but then saying, "Okay. You're out. Now get a job and be productive and do all the rest yourself." But the Gospel, the Good News, is not like that. It is like being let out of jail and then getting the Congressional Medal of Honor on top of that. Not only are we forgiven, we are heaped with all the medals that Jesus deserved. Pretty crazy amazing. 2 Corinthians 5:21 "God made Him sin, Who knew no sin, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him." Jesus took what our flaws deserve; it really doesn't matter how 'holy' or good or anything we are or try to be. That is completely beside the point. God loves me. In spite of all of the unrighteousness in my heart. He loves ME.
Every human being is looking for acceptance, for someone outside of themselves to assure them that they are worthwhile, that they have value. We all look for that in a myriad of ways. We are all out there trying to earn approval and value; "look at my money, look at my job, look how beautiful I am, I am in this relationship and he/she loves me" etc. We don't call it "looking for righteousness", but that is essentially what it is.
There were a few patients that I met in the ward who were there because of mental breakdowns and suicide attempts after the stock market crash. It looked like they had built their self-worth, their value, their identity on how much money they could make. They were looking for justification, for righteousness, in wealth. Some do it with beauty. "If only I were prettier, then I'd be loved". Look at the fashion industry. The whole point is to say, "Hey, if you buy these clothes, you'll feel good about yourself and be happy and loved and accepted."
In and of themselves, money, clothes, beauty, etc. aren't bad. But when they are used for something they were never meant for, they become destructive. Since we are all afraid of being outsiders, of being the unpopular ones, we cling to these things that were never meant to give us righteousness. And they are unstable; they can all be blown away. Every single thing on earth we look to for purpose, value, worth, etc. can be blown away. The only permanence is what Christ has done. Keller made the point that being a Christian is a standing, not a trying. It is a statement about where we are, not what we are trying to do.
Paul says, "I am not ashamed of the Gospel." Why would he say this were he not facing many people who thought he was silly or ridiculous or just plain nuts to believe what he believed? The Gospel is, by it's very nature, offensive. It offends everyone, at pretty much every level. For some, it's too easy, or too exclusive. For others, it is too simple ("no one can be sure if any of this is true so let's just live whatever way we want..")Because it is utterly different from anything anywhere in the world, it offends everybody and makes no sense to anybody!
John the Baptist, Jesus' own cousin, wondered if Jesus was Who He said He was (Matthew 11). At the end of his life, John was sitting in a jail cell, waiting to be executed, and was confused. If this Christ was Savior, why the heck was he sitting in jail? Why didn't Christ save him? He spent his life proclaiming repentance and the coming of the savior, why didn't Christ give a little back and get him out of this bind? So he sends some buddies to Jesus and says, "Are you the One or should we expect another?" Jesus didn't respond to him, "How dare you question who I am! The outrage! I will smite thee to smithereens and blow thee away! How dare you question my holiness, you who have witnessed my miracles and seen my work!"
Instead, He says (paraphrased) "I'm not offended with people who are struggling with my offensiveness. I know I'm hard. I know that this is all confusing and really not like what anyone is expecting. But come to Me and I'll answer your questions. And then come again with some more hard ones that you are struggling with." What a man! What a Savior!
The Bible is personal; it is not just an abstract set of principles, it is written by a Person to a person. It is transformational: it is the power of God in verbal form.
I have been becoming increasingly uncomfortable calling myself a Christian, simply because there have been so many awful things done in that name. People hear the word "Christian" and automatically assume certain things. Not that I blame them. But hearing Keller expound on what it really means to be a Christian today reminded me again that even if when I say "I'm a Christian" people think certain things about me or how I feel about issues or even who I am, it really doesn't matter. Because God knows my heart, He knows that it beats for Him, and that is what is important.
Being a Christian is not about being a moral, upstanding, righteous, always going to church, always living 'perfectly' person. Being a Christian, the way I think Christ meant it, is being someone who knows that she is utterly faulted and utterly loved, because of Jesus. I don't have to perform a certain way; I don't have to always do the right thing or say the right thing, I am loved by Him. Truly, it is not about me or who I am or what I can do, it's about Him, Who He is, and what He did.
Keller made the point that when one understands this, when one understands the love of God for him or her, that will seduce them to be like Jesus. It isn't the trying to be like Jesus that brings someone righteousness and God's love, it is God's love that compels me to live for Jesus. And when I fall, to remember that I am still loved.
And that made all the difference to me this morning, and let me put all of those suffering people in the psych ward in God's hands, and put my mind at rest over things I've been wrestling through. As I continue to learn and grow and flesh out what it means to follow Jesus in this world, and love and serve others in a healthy and non-self-destructive way, I thank God for the pearls of wisdom and love He sends my way.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Thoughts
I’ve been very sick for a few days now. In some respects, these past few days seem just like a blur, a cacophony of fever and sleep and pain. One day is indiscernible from the next, until Saturday-ish, when things started looking up. The funny thing is, as much as I can’t really tell you what happened last Wednesday or even Friday, for that matter, I do remember some very distinct thoughts. I remember thinking, “Hmm…this sure would be a good time to do that serious thinking about things that I’ve been putting off for awhile.” And also, “Chicken soup…must…have…more…chicken soup…!” Just kidding. But seriously, I was able to spend a lot of time reading and praying and thinking, time that I would have definitely felt guilty using solely for those pursuits had I been healthy. Part of me wonders if perhaps that was part of the purpose for this, because God had some soul-stuff He wanted me to deal with, and sometimes the best way to make me slow down and pay attention is to lie me flat on my back. Not necessarily the way that I’d choose, but hey. Who am I to say?
A friend sends me a Scripture verse each day, mostly from Psalms, but sometimes from elsewhere in the Bible too. Last week (I think) one day was Psalm 46:1, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” That was so comforting to me; as my body was trying to rally its reserves, it was like God put His hand on me and said, “Peace. Remember.” And I could let go and let Him take care of me. It goes along with that whole vulnerability thing again. It is very difficult for me to let someone take care of me. It’s probably just pride, but I like to be able to take care of myself, and not have to ask for help. But I now found myself in a position where I could not do anything for myself. I felt as though God whispered to my heart, “I created you, I know you intimately. Let me care for you.” And it is hard to explain, but I felt such a peace enter my heart, I drifted off to sleep, and slept the entire night long. Which, anyone who knows me knows this, sleeping an entire night is not a usual occurrence for me.
The following day, I started to feel better. That was the turning point.
The next day, I received another verse, which made me smile. This verse has been a “life-verse” of sorts for me; ever since late high school, God, through it, has given me hope and encouragement, and it did the same that day. Psalm 138:8, “The LORD will fulfill His purpose for me; Your love, O LORD, endures forever—do not abandon the works of Your hands.” I was being worked over in my mind…a lot of things that I hadn’t even realized were bothering came to the surface. A dear friend had stopped by to see how I was doing, and as I talked to her, I started sobbing, not even knowing where it was coming from, deep, racking sobs, and babbling out about this and that; I get very emotional when I get sick, and I think that had something to do with it, but I also have a tendency to push things down and not deal with them, so maybe this was months of undealt-with stuff? All I know, as I crawled back to my room and into my bed, was that my heart hurt more than my head, and now I felt like I had opened a can a worms, a can that I didn’t have the strength to deal with right now. I half-deliriously checked my email, and saw that verse, and started crying again, this time tears of gratitude. It felt like a hug from Jesus, and in that one sentence, I saw, in fast-motion, the pain and travail, and yet His overwhelming comfort and faithfulness, through the years. Exhausted yet again, but with some deep, soul-strength, I slept for a bit, the sleep of a person purged of energy by tears and sickness, but comforted beyond description by the Living Word.
One of my new favorite people lent me a book called, “The Places that Scare You”, and I can’t put it down, it seems to just speak to me. Here are some nuggets of goodness from it:
“We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful or afraid, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder and more open to what scares us.”
Hard to do. Hard to take in. But essentially what the essence of forgiveness is. It is saying, “Yes, you hurt me. But I forgive you that debt. I won’t let what happened between us make me an unkind or uncompassionate person, rather, I will let the pain of the experience soften me and I release you from any debt that I feel you owe me, because really, if I take an honest look at myself, are there not many debts that I owe others? And have I not been shown enormous amounts of compassion in my life, not only from those in my life, but most from Christ?”
Easy to put into words, harder for me to live from my heart.
I laughed in recognition when I read, “Many of us prefer practices that will not cause discomfort, yet at the same time, we want to be healed.” So true. “We can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for security and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe. But the truth is that we can never avoid uncertainty. This not knowing is part of the adventure, and it’s also what makes us afraid.”
Uh, yup. Word up, book.:)
More: “It is our capacity to relax with not knowing, not figuring everything out, with not being at all sure about who we are—or who anyone else is either.” I like this, “To relax with not knowing…”for someone who likes to have her ducks in a row, this is an interesting perspective.
“God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you NEED.
To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the
person you were meant to be.”
“A fresh attitude starts to happen when we look to see that yesterday was yesterday, and now it is gone; today is today, and now it is new. It is like that—every hour, every minute is changing. If we stop observing change, then we stop seeing everything as new.” ~ Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche
One of the biggest things that came from this time of inactivity for me was an overwhelming sense of thankfulness for the people in my life, for the opportunities I’ve been given, for everything. When the antibiotics started kicking in, I spent a good amount of time thanking God for making azithromycin. I was grateful with a capital G. In all seriousness, though, I was brought to my knees in gratitude for the love that surrounds me; friends whom I am so so blessed to have in my life; friends who have stuck by me in all seasons of life; friends both old and new; I would not be where I am today if it weren’t for them. As I went through them all, one by one in my head, in utter thankfulness and heart-swelling gratitude, I prayed that God would allow me to be at least a bit of the blessing to them all that they’ve been to me. Sometimes words fail us; they don’t go nearly far enough, deep enough, or wide enough to encompass an emotional experience, but if you are my friend and you are reading this, please accept my deep thanks and love for your presence in my life, and know how precious you are to me. I don’t know what it was that brought all this up, but I was just overwhelmed by the blessings in my life, and thankful to the Giver of gifts for blessing me with them. It really does bring tears to my eyes as I write this to think of all of the good in my life, and how blessed, how completely and utterly blessed, I am. I’ll end this now; I’ll wrap it up with a quote I found at the end of a book I just finished which, I think, says pretty much everything I want to say:
“In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it’s wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices.” –E.G.
A friend sends me a Scripture verse each day, mostly from Psalms, but sometimes from elsewhere in the Bible too. Last week (I think) one day was Psalm 46:1, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” That was so comforting to me; as my body was trying to rally its reserves, it was like God put His hand on me and said, “Peace. Remember.” And I could let go and let Him take care of me. It goes along with that whole vulnerability thing again. It is very difficult for me to let someone take care of me. It’s probably just pride, but I like to be able to take care of myself, and not have to ask for help. But I now found myself in a position where I could not do anything for myself. I felt as though God whispered to my heart, “I created you, I know you intimately. Let me care for you.” And it is hard to explain, but I felt such a peace enter my heart, I drifted off to sleep, and slept the entire night long. Which, anyone who knows me knows this, sleeping an entire night is not a usual occurrence for me.
The following day, I started to feel better. That was the turning point.
The next day, I received another verse, which made me smile. This verse has been a “life-verse” of sorts for me; ever since late high school, God, through it, has given me hope and encouragement, and it did the same that day. Psalm 138:8, “The LORD will fulfill His purpose for me; Your love, O LORD, endures forever—do not abandon the works of Your hands.” I was being worked over in my mind…a lot of things that I hadn’t even realized were bothering came to the surface. A dear friend had stopped by to see how I was doing, and as I talked to her, I started sobbing, not even knowing where it was coming from, deep, racking sobs, and babbling out about this and that; I get very emotional when I get sick, and I think that had something to do with it, but I also have a tendency to push things down and not deal with them, so maybe this was months of undealt-with stuff? All I know, as I crawled back to my room and into my bed, was that my heart hurt more than my head, and now I felt like I had opened a can a worms, a can that I didn’t have the strength to deal with right now. I half-deliriously checked my email, and saw that verse, and started crying again, this time tears of gratitude. It felt like a hug from Jesus, and in that one sentence, I saw, in fast-motion, the pain and travail, and yet His overwhelming comfort and faithfulness, through the years. Exhausted yet again, but with some deep, soul-strength, I slept for a bit, the sleep of a person purged of energy by tears and sickness, but comforted beyond description by the Living Word.
One of my new favorite people lent me a book called, “The Places that Scare You”, and I can’t put it down, it seems to just speak to me. Here are some nuggets of goodness from it:
“We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful or afraid, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder and more open to what scares us.”
Hard to do. Hard to take in. But essentially what the essence of forgiveness is. It is saying, “Yes, you hurt me. But I forgive you that debt. I won’t let what happened between us make me an unkind or uncompassionate person, rather, I will let the pain of the experience soften me and I release you from any debt that I feel you owe me, because really, if I take an honest look at myself, are there not many debts that I owe others? And have I not been shown enormous amounts of compassion in my life, not only from those in my life, but most from Christ?”
Easy to put into words, harder for me to live from my heart.
I laughed in recognition when I read, “Many of us prefer practices that will not cause discomfort, yet at the same time, we want to be healed.” So true. “We can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for security and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe. But the truth is that we can never avoid uncertainty. This not knowing is part of the adventure, and it’s also what makes us afraid.”
Uh, yup. Word up, book.:)
More: “It is our capacity to relax with not knowing, not figuring everything out, with not being at all sure about who we are—or who anyone else is either.” I like this, “To relax with not knowing…”for someone who likes to have her ducks in a row, this is an interesting perspective.
“God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you NEED.
To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the
person you were meant to be.”
“A fresh attitude starts to happen when we look to see that yesterday was yesterday, and now it is gone; today is today, and now it is new. It is like that—every hour, every minute is changing. If we stop observing change, then we stop seeing everything as new.” ~ Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche
One of the biggest things that came from this time of inactivity for me was an overwhelming sense of thankfulness for the people in my life, for the opportunities I’ve been given, for everything. When the antibiotics started kicking in, I spent a good amount of time thanking God for making azithromycin. I was grateful with a capital G. In all seriousness, though, I was brought to my knees in gratitude for the love that surrounds me; friends whom I am so so blessed to have in my life; friends who have stuck by me in all seasons of life; friends both old and new; I would not be where I am today if it weren’t for them. As I went through them all, one by one in my head, in utter thankfulness and heart-swelling gratitude, I prayed that God would allow me to be at least a bit of the blessing to them all that they’ve been to me. Sometimes words fail us; they don’t go nearly far enough, deep enough, or wide enough to encompass an emotional experience, but if you are my friend and you are reading this, please accept my deep thanks and love for your presence in my life, and know how precious you are to me. I don’t know what it was that brought all this up, but I was just overwhelmed by the blessings in my life, and thankful to the Giver of gifts for blessing me with them. It really does bring tears to my eyes as I write this to think of all of the good in my life, and how blessed, how completely and utterly blessed, I am. I’ll end this now; I’ll wrap it up with a quote I found at the end of a book I just finished which, I think, says pretty much everything I want to say:
“In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it’s wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices.” –E.G.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Vulnerability, Relationship, and the New Year
It is probably the hardest thing in the world for me to be vulnerable with people. I can think of about 800 other things that I'd rather do than really reveal the inner workings of my mind and heart. And it seems to be just the thing God has lately had His finger on. My life, since a I became a Christian, and I guess, looking back, even before that, seems to have run in themes. It's almost like God says to me, "Okay, Stef, I know this'll be hard, but let's work on THIS now." And then, every sermon I hear, every book I read, every movie I see seems to speak to whatever the theme du jour is. It kinda makes me laugh, kinda makes me sit in awe of God and His incredible love for me that He won't let me sit in stagnation but always, ever so lovingly, urges me on to growth.
So, as I was saying, 'vulnerability' appears to be the recent theme. I was talking to a dear friend last night about my life the last few years, and how it seems to me that God has been peeling back the layers of my emotional/mental/spiritual onion, and now we are finally getting to the inner onion core, the "ouch, don't touch that, leave that alone, that hurts" part.
A few weeks ago a new friend compassionately asked me to share with him some things that I never to talk to anyone about, and I can't think of a time in my life when I have been more scared to open up. I've been doing a lot of reflecting upon why that was the case, why I was so afraid, petrified, really, to share that I was literally trembling, why it was that every word got wedged in my throat and took immense effort to get out. And I think part of the answer goes back to the Garden of Eden. Pre-fall, Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed in each other's and God's presence. They were fully known and knew one another fully. Then sin entered the world, and along with that, fear and hiding. God came looking for them and said, "Where are you?" He knew, but I think He wanted them to realize a few things: one, that they couldn't hide from Him, and two, from this moment on, they, we, would be forever hiding from one another. They were naked, and ashamed. Now, I think that physical nakedness that they had can also be applied to emotional nakedness. Which brings me back to my question: why have I always been so fearful of really sharing myself? Emotional nakedness and the vulnerability it brings, I think.
Anyway, this has all been turning over and over in my mind the past few weeks, and as I got ready to go to church this morning, I prayed that God would speak to me, that He would speak to questions my heart has been steeping in.
I get to church, I sit down, I sing, and I prepare to hear the Word of the Lord. And I get hit by a gentle tsunami of truth, of revelation, of answers to questions that I didn't even know I had.
The sermon today was titled "Friendship: A Beautiful Mess" and guess what it was primarily about? Yup, vulnerability and authenticity in relationship. It was almost like God was saying, "I hear your heart's-cry, Stef, and here you go." I darn near started crying, and took notes prolifically as the pastor very humbly and authentically unpacked the Bible for us.
He started out telling us about how he and his wife moved here a year-and-a-half ago to do ministry at Redeemer (he's from the Midwest!) and how he quickly noticed that he was subtly and unsubtly adjusting his style of dress, mannerisms, etc. to fit the culture out here. His wife gently pointed this out to him, and after some soul-searching, he realized that it boiled down to this: he wanted to be liked. He wanted to be part of a community. So he conformed, almost without consciously realizing what he was doing, to be accepted. He had the deep need in him, as we all do, to be in relationship with others, to know and be fully known.
He then talked about two kinds of ways we do relationship: consumeristically and covenantly (I don't think those are actually words, but you get my drift). In a consumeristic relationship, it's all about me. How long/well does this person benefit me? As long as this person is useful, meets my needs, etc. I'll continue to be in relationship. If they stop, adios. It's very difficult to establish trust and vulnerability when each person is solely interested in taking, and not giving. The second type, covenant relationship, says to the other, "I'm in this for the long haul. I will not leave you nor forsake you, even when you get messy and hard to handle and awful. You take precedence over my own personal wants and needs and I'm sticking around." This is the ideal, and the only time we see this exemplified perfectly is in Christ, and what He did for us. Honestly, I think that deep down inside we all deeply desire this kind of relationship, both in friendship and romance.
The pastor shared how at his marriage, the officiant said something that has stuck firmly in his mind. He said, "Marriage is never, ever 50-50. Sometimes its 90-10, sometimes 60-40, sometimes even 100-0. But when your heart embraces this truth, you are positioned to flourish in your relationship." This holds true not only for romantic relationships but also for friendship. Friendships should never be about, "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours". This leads to a utilitarian relationship, a dead, dry, what-can-you-do-for-me maelstrom. The sermon verses told about Jonathan and David's deep friendship, an improbable one since Jonathan was not only the son of the King, but the king who wanted to kill David. And David was a simple shepherd. More socially polar opposites one could not find. Galatians 3:28-29 speaks to this kind of relationship that is so deep it breaks down all barriers: "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." It breaks down all distinctions we use as leverage to reject and judge others, to medicate our own egos. Everything I use to validate myself, to give me dignity, is obliterated. It takes natural enemies and makes them family. A picture of what true vulnerability, true relationship will one day be.
The pastor quoted Dostoyevsky in 'Brothers Karamazov', saying, "Love in practice is a harsh and dreadful thing compared to love in dreams." The image of love we are given in dreams or movies is partially true, but mostly false, I think. It is true in that it speaks to that place deep inside of all of us that longs to return to the perfection and deep relationship of the Garden before sin. But it is mostly false because it sets up love and vulnerability and trust as something easy and effortless.Real love is beautiful and glorious, but becomes that way most often by being watered by the tears of pain and the sweat of toil.
C.S. Lewis, in his book 'The Four Loves' says:
"Love anything and your heart will be broken. If you want to protect your heart, you must give it to no one, avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin...But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell."
As God works on me, and prods me gently out of my comfort zone into the realm of vulnerability, I hold fast to the truth that gives me the strength I need--that Christ loves me with a love indefatigable; He sees all of my faults, all the mess inside me, and draws me close, nonetheless. Because He made Himself vulnerable to me, to all of us, I can take the steps to grow, to face my fears head on. Pastor Sauls said that being vulnerable with people is like putting a sword in someone else's hand, knowing full well that they can either fiercely protect you with it, or pierce you through the heart. It is a risk, but one that I'm slowly learning is worth taking.
As I rapidly approach a new year, I am excited to see what is in store. I am excited to be challenged to grow in faith and character, to take a serious look at my deficits and not only seek to improve them, but to really be okay with not being perfect. To take those first steps into the unknown.
A dear friend gave me some great advice a few weeks ago as I shared with him how difficult it is for me to be vulnerable. He said that I should trust people in chunks, a little, then a little more, then a little more still. As an all-or-nothing, hot or cold, full or starving kind of woman, emotional moderation is definitely my personal Mt. Everest. But as I turned over his advice in my mind, I realized that I could begin there.
I believe that each person is infinitely precious; our combinations of personalities, talents, and experiences make each one of us a unique gift; a gift to be given to better this world, and in effect, to honor what God made us to be. By withholding myself, I am not honoring God, nor benefitting those around me. But by taking risks and being myself, being authentic, being vulnerable (there's that word again!), perhaps, in my own small way, I can make a difference for the better.
As I left church, my legs carried me forward of their own volition; my mind was still in a haze. I was in awe of God's quick answer to my morning prayer, but also excited about the verbal and spiritual yeast that had been sprinkled on my heart, to sit in the warmth for awhile and quietly rise to make sustaining bread that my soul can begin to feast on.
So, as I was saying, 'vulnerability' appears to be the recent theme. I was talking to a dear friend last night about my life the last few years, and how it seems to me that God has been peeling back the layers of my emotional/mental/spiritual onion, and now we are finally getting to the inner onion core, the "ouch, don't touch that, leave that alone, that hurts" part.
A few weeks ago a new friend compassionately asked me to share with him some things that I never to talk to anyone about, and I can't think of a time in my life when I have been more scared to open up. I've been doing a lot of reflecting upon why that was the case, why I was so afraid, petrified, really, to share that I was literally trembling, why it was that every word got wedged in my throat and took immense effort to get out. And I think part of the answer goes back to the Garden of Eden. Pre-fall, Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed in each other's and God's presence. They were fully known and knew one another fully. Then sin entered the world, and along with that, fear and hiding. God came looking for them and said, "Where are you?" He knew, but I think He wanted them to realize a few things: one, that they couldn't hide from Him, and two, from this moment on, they, we, would be forever hiding from one another. They were naked, and ashamed. Now, I think that physical nakedness that they had can also be applied to emotional nakedness. Which brings me back to my question: why have I always been so fearful of really sharing myself? Emotional nakedness and the vulnerability it brings, I think.
Anyway, this has all been turning over and over in my mind the past few weeks, and as I got ready to go to church this morning, I prayed that God would speak to me, that He would speak to questions my heart has been steeping in.
I get to church, I sit down, I sing, and I prepare to hear the Word of the Lord. And I get hit by a gentle tsunami of truth, of revelation, of answers to questions that I didn't even know I had.
The sermon today was titled "Friendship: A Beautiful Mess" and guess what it was primarily about? Yup, vulnerability and authenticity in relationship. It was almost like God was saying, "I hear your heart's-cry, Stef, and here you go." I darn near started crying, and took notes prolifically as the pastor very humbly and authentically unpacked the Bible for us.
He started out telling us about how he and his wife moved here a year-and-a-half ago to do ministry at Redeemer (he's from the Midwest!) and how he quickly noticed that he was subtly and unsubtly adjusting his style of dress, mannerisms, etc. to fit the culture out here. His wife gently pointed this out to him, and after some soul-searching, he realized that it boiled down to this: he wanted to be liked. He wanted to be part of a community. So he conformed, almost without consciously realizing what he was doing, to be accepted. He had the deep need in him, as we all do, to be in relationship with others, to know and be fully known.
He then talked about two kinds of ways we do relationship: consumeristically and covenantly (I don't think those are actually words, but you get my drift). In a consumeristic relationship, it's all about me. How long/well does this person benefit me? As long as this person is useful, meets my needs, etc. I'll continue to be in relationship. If they stop, adios. It's very difficult to establish trust and vulnerability when each person is solely interested in taking, and not giving. The second type, covenant relationship, says to the other, "I'm in this for the long haul. I will not leave you nor forsake you, even when you get messy and hard to handle and awful. You take precedence over my own personal wants and needs and I'm sticking around." This is the ideal, and the only time we see this exemplified perfectly is in Christ, and what He did for us. Honestly, I think that deep down inside we all deeply desire this kind of relationship, both in friendship and romance.
The pastor shared how at his marriage, the officiant said something that has stuck firmly in his mind. He said, "Marriage is never, ever 50-50. Sometimes its 90-10, sometimes 60-40, sometimes even 100-0. But when your heart embraces this truth, you are positioned to flourish in your relationship." This holds true not only for romantic relationships but also for friendship. Friendships should never be about, "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours". This leads to a utilitarian relationship, a dead, dry, what-can-you-do-for-me maelstrom. The sermon verses told about Jonathan and David's deep friendship, an improbable one since Jonathan was not only the son of the King, but the king who wanted to kill David. And David was a simple shepherd. More socially polar opposites one could not find. Galatians 3:28-29 speaks to this kind of relationship that is so deep it breaks down all barriers: "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." It breaks down all distinctions we use as leverage to reject and judge others, to medicate our own egos. Everything I use to validate myself, to give me dignity, is obliterated. It takes natural enemies and makes them family. A picture of what true vulnerability, true relationship will one day be.
The pastor quoted Dostoyevsky in 'Brothers Karamazov', saying, "Love in practice is a harsh and dreadful thing compared to love in dreams." The image of love we are given in dreams or movies is partially true, but mostly false, I think. It is true in that it speaks to that place deep inside of all of us that longs to return to the perfection and deep relationship of the Garden before sin. But it is mostly false because it sets up love and vulnerability and trust as something easy and effortless.Real love is beautiful and glorious, but becomes that way most often by being watered by the tears of pain and the sweat of toil.
C.S. Lewis, in his book 'The Four Loves' says:
"Love anything and your heart will be broken. If you want to protect your heart, you must give it to no one, avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin...But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell."
As God works on me, and prods me gently out of my comfort zone into the realm of vulnerability, I hold fast to the truth that gives me the strength I need--that Christ loves me with a love indefatigable; He sees all of my faults, all the mess inside me, and draws me close, nonetheless. Because He made Himself vulnerable to me, to all of us, I can take the steps to grow, to face my fears head on. Pastor Sauls said that being vulnerable with people is like putting a sword in someone else's hand, knowing full well that they can either fiercely protect you with it, or pierce you through the heart. It is a risk, but one that I'm slowly learning is worth taking.
As I rapidly approach a new year, I am excited to see what is in store. I am excited to be challenged to grow in faith and character, to take a serious look at my deficits and not only seek to improve them, but to really be okay with not being perfect. To take those first steps into the unknown.
A dear friend gave me some great advice a few weeks ago as I shared with him how difficult it is for me to be vulnerable. He said that I should trust people in chunks, a little, then a little more, then a little more still. As an all-or-nothing, hot or cold, full or starving kind of woman, emotional moderation is definitely my personal Mt. Everest. But as I turned over his advice in my mind, I realized that I could begin there.
I believe that each person is infinitely precious; our combinations of personalities, talents, and experiences make each one of us a unique gift; a gift to be given to better this world, and in effect, to honor what God made us to be. By withholding myself, I am not honoring God, nor benefitting those around me. But by taking risks and being myself, being authentic, being vulnerable (there's that word again!), perhaps, in my own small way, I can make a difference for the better.
As I left church, my legs carried me forward of their own volition; my mind was still in a haze. I was in awe of God's quick answer to my morning prayer, but also excited about the verbal and spiritual yeast that had been sprinkled on my heart, to sit in the warmth for awhile and quietly rise to make sustaining bread that my soul can begin to feast on.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Of Snow and Friends
I haven't written in more than a month, and that so isn't like me. For a woman who processes things by writing them down, one can imagine how mentally congested I must be right now! I am just coming off of my last final, and I am beyond burned out. So tired, I am picturing all of my mitochondria with little sleeping hats on, bundled in little mitochondrial-size beds, with signs up saying, "Nope. We is done. Come back later." On the upside, my friends and I hung out from like 4pm on til late tonight, blowing off steam and enjoying the beautiful, wonderful, splendiferous snow that was blanketing the city in its white glory. We sang Disney songs, we talked about life, we had snowball fights, we danced, we walked and laughed and had so much fun. Laughter and lightheartedness are truly a balm to a weary mind and a tired body. I think the best part, for me, was watching the joy and excitement on the faces of my dear dear friends from California who have never lived in a place where there is snow before. As someone who absolutely adores the white fluffiness, I can relate to their exuberance; I get giddy like a schoolgirl for the first snow each year. It is really all I can do to restrain myself from jumping around outside and making snowforts and challenging all of the neighborhood kids to snowball fights. So to see them all, with snowflakes resting gently on their hair and clothes, spinning around as the white wonder brought freshness and beauty, thrilled my heart.
Our program is very demanding; I think someone figured out the other day that we have taken 40 credits in 6 months. Dang. But I have been richly blessed with such incredible friends, friends who help me to see the light when I just want to crawl into a hole, or fall into a studying-induced coma. To be here with them, going through this with them, no words can describe. What an amazing group of people I am surrounded by.
I am soooo excited for Christmas break; I can't wait to do everything I haven't had time to do yet. Ice skating, going to my fave place of all in NYC, seeing the decorations and lights, seeing the tree at the Rock, spending ALL DAY at a Barnes and Nobes if I want....the possibilities are endless and I just can't wait to relax and rejuve.
Well, I have to be up for clinical in six hours, so I should end this, but I just wanted to tell all my homeys, I love you so much and thanks for being there! And Gig, when you find me some of those pelican briefs, get me a pair ;).
Goodnight, sweet, white-covered world!
Our program is very demanding; I think someone figured out the other day that we have taken 40 credits in 6 months. Dang. But I have been richly blessed with such incredible friends, friends who help me to see the light when I just want to crawl into a hole, or fall into a studying-induced coma. To be here with them, going through this with them, no words can describe. What an amazing group of people I am surrounded by.
I am soooo excited for Christmas break; I can't wait to do everything I haven't had time to do yet. Ice skating, going to my fave place of all in NYC, seeing the decorations and lights, seeing the tree at the Rock, spending ALL DAY at a Barnes and Nobes if I want....the possibilities are endless and I just can't wait to relax and rejuve.
Well, I have to be up for clinical in six hours, so I should end this, but I just wanted to tell all my homeys, I love you so much and thanks for being there! And Gig, when you find me some of those pelican briefs, get me a pair ;).
Goodnight, sweet, white-covered world!
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