Tomfoolery

So, I just had the best weekend ever in DC! Sooo much fun, and got to hang out with some great people. Now that August is done, and I have to get back to the grind tomorrow, I thought I'd chronicle some recently ridiculous things that have happened to me.

I took a bus from our Chinatown to DC's Chinatown on Friday, and discovered, when I needed to use the bathroom, that it did not come equipped with toilet paper. Or a cleaning service. Or any kind of hand washing/hand sanitizing device. Luckily, I had Kleenex in my purse because I was fighting a doozy of a cold all week, so I made due. So, thinking that I might find the same sitch on the bus on the way back today, I made sure to be stocked with Kleenex, and really to try to avoid using the bathroom at all if I could possibly help it. We were about two bumpy, jostly hours outside of NYC when I realized that I could not possibly help it. I had seen plenty of people come and go to the bathroom ( I should stop calling it that; that descriptor is too generous. Let's call it the very-smelly-plastic-hole-i

n-a-bench closet.)so I figured I would be safe; what could be worse than last time? Oh-ho, was I about to find out! With my Kleenex in hand, I made my way back, quickly noticing two things. First off, you could smell it before you even got close. Second, everyone was looking at me slightly askance as I went in, but I didn't really think of it. As I closed the door and turned around, I saw a black garbage bag on the front portion of the seat. Realizing that this is not a normal fixture of most toilet facilities that I am familiar with, I stood there for a sec, deciding what to do. Upon closer inspection, it revealed that it was covered with small ponds of liquid. Yes, ponds. Since the bag was black, I couldn't tell if the liquid was human-originated or not, from someone with poor aim, or simply a garbage bag that gave off condensation. Since I'd never seen one of those, I'm gonna go with option number 1. I gingerly tried to move it out of the way, and discovered the reason that it was there...
A big, and I mean BIG, puddle of vomit or diarrhea lurked underneath, awaiting unsuspecting users. Suddenly the liquid-drenched bad didn't look so bad. I was in shock, and still two hours from NYC. Weighing the options of either dealing with a burst bladder or possible E.coli or shigella infection from said disgusting garbage bag, I decided to go the very gross route and use the toilet. It was the lesser of two evils, but only very slightly lesser. Well, let's just say that I've never felt so completely disgusting in my entire life. I was like, 'Go to your happy place, Stef. Go there. It's better than a burst bladder or wet pants. It could be worse. It could be on the entire seat instead of just half of it. It could be smeared on the walls too...oh wait. It is.' To really top things off, the toilet wouldn't flush. I burst out of there with a look of revulsion on my face, thankful that I was still alive. Two girls sitting nearby burst out laughing and said, "Yup. That look says it all." I vowed to myself that I would take a shower with a steel brush and lye when I got home. This was so completely gross that I don't want to think about it anymore.Needless to say, I won't be using this bus company again.

While trying to distract myself from this harrowing experience, I looked up and painted on the front wall of the bus read a sign, "We are not response for any belonging." Really? Apparently not response for any cleaning either. Then I looked out of the window and we just happened to be going by a huge billboard with the picture of a baby's scrunched up face next to the text, "You're not the only one concerned with gas. Find out more at bonbebe.com."
God likes to cheer me up with humorous situations, I think.

Leaving a friend's apartment tonight, one of my favorite strappy sandals finally broke. It was impossible to walk in, so after my friends so lovingly fireman-carried me a block, they suggested I stop in to a local Chinese restaurant to get a plastic bag to put over my foot, so I could walk home. We were only a few blocks from home, but at the rate we were going with my silly sandal, it would take until tomorrow to get there. So, I got a bag and it said on it, with a big yellow smiley face, "Thank You! Have a nice day!" Allie decided that I was going to start a bag-on-foot-as-shoe trend, and she was going to design a stiletto version.

While this was happening, there was a probably 35ish yr. old guy with a friend or two standing around, chewing the cud, and they saw us. The 35yr old said to us, "Hey! White girls! Look, there be white girls! Ladies, I'm the only white guy in this neighborhood who's still single. Hey!" We kept walking, ignoring him, while he continued to shout after us. He finished up with, "You don't know what you're missing! I'm the only still-single guy!" You know, I don't think that I really want to find out what I'm missing. I'll just keep missing it. After a day of a hot, smelly bus full of human expulsion of some sort, a bagged foot, and the heckling of 'the only single white guy in your neighborhood', I decided to call it a night.