I Made It

I took a deep breath, the wind gently brushing by my face. The seagulls were on the Jackie O reserve, just floating lazily by. There was a sparrow taking a bath in a puddle left by the rain storm; he looked so happy to just be a sparrow and be taking a bath. As I stopped running to take this all in, I realized, for the first time in I don't know how long, that I was free. I didn't have to hurry home to study for a test or write a paper; I didn't have to have the constant stress of study study study on me. This is a path that I have chosen, and I wouldn't have done anything else. But this has been a very hard, yet very very good, last year and a half. I am a nurse now; I can hardly believe it. I just finished my first summer of NP classes and will graduate Feb. 2011. I am ready to have the time, emotionally, mentally, physically, to call back friends that I haven't talked to in ages. I am ready to take a book and spend an afternoon reading in the shade of a big oak tree in Central Park. I am ready to work on an oil painting, learn the cello again, go dancing, volunteer at my church, and just be. I am ready to not have a headache every day. I am ready to maybe let my shoulders unclench, even if it is just a little. In all of this, in everything that has happened, the last few months have been the hardest. I feel as though I have become the worst version of myself, and I don't like that. I don't like feeling like I want to yell at someone just because they are walking slowly in front of me. I hate the fact that when I get as stressed, emotionally and mentally, as I have been these past few months, my swearing quotient goes up. That is just silly, and it is not me. I am ready to not be so emotionally labile and get a grip for goodness sakes! I am ready to not cry about something as insignificant as spilling a glass of water. I mean, honestly! This month will probably go fast, as everything does, but I am praying that for me and my schoolmates, who desperately need this reprieve, that it stretches on interminably, to the point that we start wanting something to do again.
I am so ready to get back to being me, and not feeling like an alien walking around in my body. This has been a difficult summer, but when I think of all we've accomplished, I am in awe. God has been faithful, and has given me the grace and strength I've needed for each trial that has come my way, and I am so incredibly incredibly thankful. Now, it is time to relax. To regenerate. To remember who I am and what I stand for and to be built back up, from the inside out. It doesn't seem real yet; the prospect of some test hangs over my head and I have to keep reminding myself that I don't need to study today, or tomorrow, or the next day. I can step outside, take in the beauty of the sun and the clouds, and be in awe, yet again, of God's handiwork. I can just be. And for the time being, that sounds like bliss to me.