I was really excited to try bikram yoga. Our friend John from Bible study had told us about it, and a sweet one-week deal this studio was running, so Kathleen and I, always up for an adventure, went for it. Ashley was full of misgivings..."I've done this before and it is so hot you want to die and it reeks!" "oh, Ash, it can't be that bad!" we naively responded.
We find the studio and walk up the stairs...and are nearly knocked over backwards by the incredible odor. There is no other way to describe it, other than that it smells like what dirty jockstraps and nasty socks would smell like if they were in a tight space together. I exaggerate not. It was exactly that bad. Our eyes meet in semi-desperation. "Okay. We can do this. We can do this. It can't be that bad in the studio."
Wrong. It was worse. We tried breathing through our mouths. Nope. The odor was so strong you could almost taste it. Now, I've smelled some funky stuff in my day, but nothing, nothing like this. And we'd be here for the next hour and a half---straight. Yikes.
As we were waiting for class to begin, we decided to entertain ourselves and stave off asphyxiation by smell of nasty socks so thick they were almost coalescing out of thin air. We briefly thought of recommending car air fresheners to hang around the room. Then genius struck us. I said to Kathleen, "What if, instead of making car air fresheners, we made car air deadeners? Like, air freshener shaped things that just smell horrific!" And we were off and running. I think we were supposed to be all Zen-like or something; I mean, there were skinny people around us standing on their heads and whatnot, but we were laughing so hard we were crying. Or maybe it was the sweat induced from the 130 degree room we were in. Whatever the case, we came up with a few scents that would be killer, perhaps literally:
1. Bikram Yoga
2. C. difficile
3. Rotten eggs
4. The 1 stop at 168th
5. The elevator to the 1 stop at 168th
6. Poop
7. Sour milk
8. Garbage cans in NYC in the summer
9.Dirty jockstraps
10. Men's locker rooms
11. Vomit
12. Bile
13. Toilets that haven't been flushed in a week
Here is a possible scenario in which using these car air deadeners would be ideal:
Mother says to daughter, "Honey, Mrs. Smith said that her son Buddy wants to go out on a date with you. I know that you don't like him very much, but Mrs. Smith is a close friend, so I want you to go."
Daughter: "Are you kidding me? Fine!"
Daughter goes off to room, upset. Then she realizes that she has a stash of well-wrapped (to keep the stench in) air deadeners in her closet for just such an occasion.
Flash forward to weekend. Because Buddy doesn't have a car, Daughter goes to pick him up. Before leaving, she hangs deadener #4 from rearview mirror, gags, and goes to pick up Buddy.
Buddy opens the door, and before getting in says: "Hi Daughter! Oh, I've wanted to date you forever. I'm so glad that you are going out with me!" As he slides into the car, the overwhelming odor hits him and he's gone.
"YEs!" says Daughter.
Just a hypothetical sitch. Anyway, yoga turned out to be great; I have never felt so awful during something and so great afterwards. I'm definitely going back; just need to jam wads of cotton up my nose first.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Stuff White People Like
At first blush, this might seem racist or irreverent, but it is actually tongue-in-cheek funny...I'm pretty sure they have a 'stuff black people like' and 'stuff asian people like' blog too...
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/
yup, here it is:
http://blog.stuffblackpeoplelove.com/
http://www.asian-central.com/stuffasianpeoplelike/
The really funny thing is that it's true. Well, the white people blog is. I haven't checked out the other two yet. But pretty funny how true it is.
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/
yup, here it is:
http://blog.stuffblackpeoplelove.com/
http://www.asian-central.com/stuffasianpeoplelike/
The really funny thing is that it's true. Well, the white people blog is. I haven't checked out the other two yet. But pretty funny how true it is.
I Just Don't Know
It's almost March, and I am so ready for spring. I never thought that I suffered from seasonal affective disorder, but now I am starting to wonder. I was always the girl who relished a gray, rainy day; what could be more perfect than curling up with a good book (usually Pride and Prejudice or Jane Eyre--perfect rainy-day books) and a cup of fragrant tea and a snuggly blanket while listening to the rain beat comfortingly against the window pane? Now, though, it seems like after months of cold and dreariness, peppered only infrequently with sunshine, I am ready to chuck it all and move to an island somewhere. Sipping mojitos on the beach, windsurfing, maybe even throwing in a good old-fashioned swim with the dolphins, sounds like bliss to me at this point.
These past few weeks have been pretty rough. I had to say goodbye (in some respects) to someone that I still care very deeply for, and it wasn't the easiest thing in the world to do. The right thing, but by no accounts easy. Even still, I get teary-eyed thinking about it. But time heals, and although it's only been two weeks, this is week is better than last, and I'm confident that next will be even better than this. The dreary weather certainly doesn't help, though. How easy it is to pull my comforter over my head and say, "Nope. I don't feel like dealing with the world today. I'm staying right here." Easy, but not practical, nor really, even possible. I have responsibilities, I have school to go to, I have things to do and plans to keep. But sometimes, "Oh, that I were a bird, that I could fly far far away from here." I don't know who said that, but man, do I resonate with that.
I have been blessed with so much, it would be impossible to list it all; most importantly, though, is what Christ did on the cross, and throughout His whole life, and even still, for me. That is my anchor, that is my peace. When the waves of tyranny reek havoc in my heart, He is the One Who says, "Peace, be still." The Bible says that God collects our tears in a bottle. He must have a whole universe full of tears for all of the people across time and all of the tears that they've shed for the small to big heartaches in their lives.
I wonder what He does with them all? And why is He keeping them? Maybe He said it to show us that even one heart's sorrow doesn't go unnoticed. Just as He knows every hair on our heads, every breath we take, every thought in our minds, and every intention of the heart, He cares so intimately for us that He collects each droplet that drips from our cheeks. Oh, to feel that love, for one instant. I did, a few years ago, well, maybe more like seven, now. I was reading John 17, where it says that God loves us as He loves Christ. It broke over me in waves how much He loves me. I still remember it vividly; I remember exactly where I was sitting in my apartment, exactly what the lighting in the room was like, and a prayer that I had prayed earlier. I had said, "God, I need to know that You are real. I need to know that You love me like this Book says You do. I'm having a really tough time believing it. Please, please, help me." I was going through some pretty rough stuff in my life at this point, and so that God answered this prayer was HUGE for me. I was on the couch, reading that passage, and all of a sudden it hit me like Mike Tyson going for the KO; I am loved by the Creator of all things. How is this possible, when He sees all of me, all of the bad intentions mixed with the good, all of the misdeeds, everything that is foul about me, along with everything that is fair? How can He love such a mixed bag of tricks as I? And it was like He whispered, no joke, "I love you for you. I love you as I love My only Son. And He loves you so much that He died to reconcile us, and to give you life." It makes me so mad and really, grieves my heart tremendously when I see the way that God and His word is treated by the world; and I don't excuse myself from this, either. Keller today talked about Romans 2 and how we can go a few ways. 1)narcissism: I'm okay, you're okay, we're all just fine. No problems anywhere. Relativism. Whatever works for you, great. Whatever works for me, great. 2)moralism: I'm okay, you're dead wrong. The type of thinking that led to concentration camps and genocide. 3)masochism: I suck, you're okay. Devaluing ourselves when God has said that we are all precious and priceless. The fourth option is what it should be: I'm not okay, you're not okay, but Christ has come to make it okay, in our souls, now, and eventually, when He comes again, for eternity. We love to interpret the Ten Commandments as "Do this, don't do this. Toe the line or go to hell." But in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus shows that it isn't what we do or don't do; it's the heart attitude. "You have heard it said, 'Do not murder'. But I tell you, that whenever any one of you says 'Raca' in his heart(raca meant 'worthless') you have committed murder already." As per usual for Jesus, He took popular opinion, popular interpretation, and put it on its head. Murder is the tree that grows from a seed of hatred, pride, jealousy, any other heart cancer. So really, it isn't the behavior that needs be dealt with, initially. It is the heart. And that's even harder. But that's what He did.
I majorly digressed; this started out about my self-diagnosed seasonal affective disorder and turned into a sermon recap. But anyway, maybe it is all related. I am a woman, perhaps that makes me always dealing with and living out of things of the heart; but it seems to me, that that is where life is. The Bible says, "Guard your heart, for out of it comes the well-spring of life." For the longest time, I interpreted that to mean, 'don't get too close to anyone (especially men). Don't love too fully or too openly because you'll be way hurt and your well-spring, your energy to live and love and do, will be broken.' Now I see it differently. I see it as an imploring by God to love. I will love, even if it hurts, even if it is not ever returned. I will love by doing what is best for the other person, even if it will cost me something. I will stay open to love, not shutting down for fear of pain, but opening up to share what I've been given, to accept and move through pain if it comes, and to grow from it as I move through it. A friend said to me last week, "You know, Stef, I'm so sorry for your pain right now. But I know, with all my heart, that it will serve to make you a more tender and stronger and a better person than you are right now." May that be true, O Lord, and may it be for Your glory. May I guard my heart in such a way that I am never afraid to love, but only afraid of what it means to not love. May I guard my heart in such a way as to be able to give freely of it to those around me and pour out the blessings I have been abundantly given onto others. May my heart be a blessing, even if that means pain for me sometimes. Jesus was the ultimate best at everything; He guarded His heart like a pro. And yet He suffered the ultimate at the hands of those He loved with a love eternal. It is inexplicable, yet true. May He teach me how to love people like that, in that way.
These past few weeks have been pretty rough. I had to say goodbye (in some respects) to someone that I still care very deeply for, and it wasn't the easiest thing in the world to do. The right thing, but by no accounts easy. Even still, I get teary-eyed thinking about it. But time heals, and although it's only been two weeks, this is week is better than last, and I'm confident that next will be even better than this. The dreary weather certainly doesn't help, though. How easy it is to pull my comforter over my head and say, "Nope. I don't feel like dealing with the world today. I'm staying right here." Easy, but not practical, nor really, even possible. I have responsibilities, I have school to go to, I have things to do and plans to keep. But sometimes, "Oh, that I were a bird, that I could fly far far away from here." I don't know who said that, but man, do I resonate with that.
I have been blessed with so much, it would be impossible to list it all; most importantly, though, is what Christ did on the cross, and throughout His whole life, and even still, for me. That is my anchor, that is my peace. When the waves of tyranny reek havoc in my heart, He is the One Who says, "Peace, be still." The Bible says that God collects our tears in a bottle. He must have a whole universe full of tears for all of the people across time and all of the tears that they've shed for the small to big heartaches in their lives.
I wonder what He does with them all? And why is He keeping them? Maybe He said it to show us that even one heart's sorrow doesn't go unnoticed. Just as He knows every hair on our heads, every breath we take, every thought in our minds, and every intention of the heart, He cares so intimately for us that He collects each droplet that drips from our cheeks. Oh, to feel that love, for one instant. I did, a few years ago, well, maybe more like seven, now. I was reading John 17, where it says that God loves us as He loves Christ. It broke over me in waves how much He loves me. I still remember it vividly; I remember exactly where I was sitting in my apartment, exactly what the lighting in the room was like, and a prayer that I had prayed earlier. I had said, "God, I need to know that You are real. I need to know that You love me like this Book says You do. I'm having a really tough time believing it. Please, please, help me." I was going through some pretty rough stuff in my life at this point, and so that God answered this prayer was HUGE for me. I was on the couch, reading that passage, and all of a sudden it hit me like Mike Tyson going for the KO; I am loved by the Creator of all things. How is this possible, when He sees all of me, all of the bad intentions mixed with the good, all of the misdeeds, everything that is foul about me, along with everything that is fair? How can He love such a mixed bag of tricks as I? And it was like He whispered, no joke, "I love you for you. I love you as I love My only Son. And He loves you so much that He died to reconcile us, and to give you life." It makes me so mad and really, grieves my heart tremendously when I see the way that God and His word is treated by the world; and I don't excuse myself from this, either. Keller today talked about Romans 2 and how we can go a few ways. 1)narcissism: I'm okay, you're okay, we're all just fine. No problems anywhere. Relativism. Whatever works for you, great. Whatever works for me, great. 2)moralism: I'm okay, you're dead wrong. The type of thinking that led to concentration camps and genocide. 3)masochism: I suck, you're okay. Devaluing ourselves when God has said that we are all precious and priceless. The fourth option is what it should be: I'm not okay, you're not okay, but Christ has come to make it okay, in our souls, now, and eventually, when He comes again, for eternity. We love to interpret the Ten Commandments as "Do this, don't do this. Toe the line or go to hell." But in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus shows that it isn't what we do or don't do; it's the heart attitude. "You have heard it said, 'Do not murder'. But I tell you, that whenever any one of you says 'Raca' in his heart(raca meant 'worthless') you have committed murder already." As per usual for Jesus, He took popular opinion, popular interpretation, and put it on its head. Murder is the tree that grows from a seed of hatred, pride, jealousy, any other heart cancer. So really, it isn't the behavior that needs be dealt with, initially. It is the heart. And that's even harder. But that's what He did.
I majorly digressed; this started out about my self-diagnosed seasonal affective disorder and turned into a sermon recap. But anyway, maybe it is all related. I am a woman, perhaps that makes me always dealing with and living out of things of the heart; but it seems to me, that that is where life is. The Bible says, "Guard your heart, for out of it comes the well-spring of life." For the longest time, I interpreted that to mean, 'don't get too close to anyone (especially men). Don't love too fully or too openly because you'll be way hurt and your well-spring, your energy to live and love and do, will be broken.' Now I see it differently. I see it as an imploring by God to love. I will love, even if it hurts, even if it is not ever returned. I will love by doing what is best for the other person, even if it will cost me something. I will stay open to love, not shutting down for fear of pain, but opening up to share what I've been given, to accept and move through pain if it comes, and to grow from it as I move through it. A friend said to me last week, "You know, Stef, I'm so sorry for your pain right now. But I know, with all my heart, that it will serve to make you a more tender and stronger and a better person than you are right now." May that be true, O Lord, and may it be for Your glory. May I guard my heart in such a way that I am never afraid to love, but only afraid of what it means to not love. May I guard my heart in such a way as to be able to give freely of it to those around me and pour out the blessings I have been abundantly given onto others. May my heart be a blessing, even if that means pain for me sometimes. Jesus was the ultimate best at everything; He guarded His heart like a pro. And yet He suffered the ultimate at the hands of those He loved with a love eternal. It is inexplicable, yet true. May He teach me how to love people like that, in that way.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Little Heroes
He toddled toward me on somewhat unsteady legs, his daddy walking by his side with the IV pole. He had a little mask with teddy bears on it, and was carrying a book that looked a little above his reading level—it had a picture of Chevy Chase and a dog on it. I could tell, in spite of the mask, that he had Downs Syndrome, but I wasn’t sure what he was in the hospital for. As he approached, I crouched down to greet him, and his little legs carried him quickly to my side. “Hi buddy! What’ve you got there?” His eyes smiled a hello, and he said something in baby talk as he held out the book to me. “Hmm…Chevy Chase! He’s a pretty funny guy. Do you like this book?” He babbled something else, clearly wanting to have a conversation, but not yet able to form words. He couldn’t have been older than two, and my arms ached to sweep him up in a big bear hug. As we ‘talked’, his dad was standing there, smiling and laughing at his son’s attempt at grown-up talk. As per usual for these little explorers, something else quickly caught his attention, and he was off. His dad said to him, “Did you say good-bye?” and the little man turned around and opened and closed his hand a few times in a little-kid wave. I waved good-bye and watched this brave little guy amble around the corner, onto new adventures.
It is the first week of my pediatric rotation, and I am in love. It is SO GREAT to be back with the younguns. After two and a half years of working at Children’s in St.Paul, it felt like coming home to be back with the children. I am continuously in awe of these little heroes. Rach and I cared for a little girl who has acute lymphocytic leukemia, a very common childhood disease. Common but awful. But I have never seen such a brighter ray of sunshine than this eleven-year-old. She was losing hair, and had been in the hospital for months, and now was anemic as well. And when we talked to her, one would think that she was at the mall or on the beach. Such a cheerful disposition and positive attitude. She was explaining acupuncture to me; she got it to help with her appetite. I’ve never had it, and asked her what it felt like, and she put one finger on her forearm and tapped it a few times. “Go like this,” she said. “It feels just like this. It doesn’t hurt at all!” As I tapped my arm in imitation, she smiled her appreciation and approval.
The little boy next to her was in getting radiation and chemotherapy for a medullary tumor. He was eight. And unbelievably adorable. When the NP was speaking to his parents about his current treatment, Rach and I were playing ‘catch’ with him. He would take his super-hero action figure and shoot a little rocket thing from it, and we’d try to catch it. Rachel was much better than me; I was pretty pathetic at it. But he was having a good time and laughing, and actually speaking a bit. With his cancer, post-op mutism is apparently pretty common, so to hear him speak was a pretty big deal. His folks were funny, earlier teasing him, “Gosh, kiddo, don’t talk so much! We can’t hear the doctors!” He hadn’t said anything at all at this point, but appreciated their humor and smiled at them.
There are so many cases like this, and the most amazing thing is the atmosphere here. One would think that this would be the most depressing place in the world, and I’m sure for the families, it probably is. But you wouldn’t know it to look at the kids. They are sick and missing school and a normal childhood. And they are all smiles and hugs and sunshine and kisses. Truly little heroes.
I am so looking forward to going back on Wednesday. I can’t wait to see them all and love on them and, I know, learn so very much from them. How much they have to teach us all about facing the obstacles in life with bravery and strength. And when they don’t feel strong, they reach down deep and discover a strength that maybe they didn’t even know was there. I love their humor, their indomitable spirits, their unbelievable fortitude. I am in awe.
As I walk through the unit, taking in the bright colors and stories written on the walls, looking in the rooms at a dozen different dramas being silently played out in the hearts and souls of the patients and their families, I wonder what the future holds for these tiny warriors. I pray for the families and their dear children, my soul aching for them and their agony over what they must suffer. To be a nurse here is more than just dispensing meds and bandaging physical wounds; it is a ministry, a service. It is an awesome privilege to be here.
It is the first week of my pediatric rotation, and I am in love. It is SO GREAT to be back with the younguns. After two and a half years of working at Children’s in St.Paul, it felt like coming home to be back with the children. I am continuously in awe of these little heroes. Rach and I cared for a little girl who has acute lymphocytic leukemia, a very common childhood disease. Common but awful. But I have never seen such a brighter ray of sunshine than this eleven-year-old. She was losing hair, and had been in the hospital for months, and now was anemic as well. And when we talked to her, one would think that she was at the mall or on the beach. Such a cheerful disposition and positive attitude. She was explaining acupuncture to me; she got it to help with her appetite. I’ve never had it, and asked her what it felt like, and she put one finger on her forearm and tapped it a few times. “Go like this,” she said. “It feels just like this. It doesn’t hurt at all!” As I tapped my arm in imitation, she smiled her appreciation and approval.
The little boy next to her was in getting radiation and chemotherapy for a medullary tumor. He was eight. And unbelievably adorable. When the NP was speaking to his parents about his current treatment, Rach and I were playing ‘catch’ with him. He would take his super-hero action figure and shoot a little rocket thing from it, and we’d try to catch it. Rachel was much better than me; I was pretty pathetic at it. But he was having a good time and laughing, and actually speaking a bit. With his cancer, post-op mutism is apparently pretty common, so to hear him speak was a pretty big deal. His folks were funny, earlier teasing him, “Gosh, kiddo, don’t talk so much! We can’t hear the doctors!” He hadn’t said anything at all at this point, but appreciated their humor and smiled at them.
There are so many cases like this, and the most amazing thing is the atmosphere here. One would think that this would be the most depressing place in the world, and I’m sure for the families, it probably is. But you wouldn’t know it to look at the kids. They are sick and missing school and a normal childhood. And they are all smiles and hugs and sunshine and kisses. Truly little heroes.
I am so looking forward to going back on Wednesday. I can’t wait to see them all and love on them and, I know, learn so very much from them. How much they have to teach us all about facing the obstacles in life with bravery and strength. And when they don’t feel strong, they reach down deep and discover a strength that maybe they didn’t even know was there. I love their humor, their indomitable spirits, their unbelievable fortitude. I am in awe.
As I walk through the unit, taking in the bright colors and stories written on the walls, looking in the rooms at a dozen different dramas being silently played out in the hearts and souls of the patients and their families, I wonder what the future holds for these tiny warriors. I pray for the families and their dear children, my soul aching for them and their agony over what they must suffer. To be a nurse here is more than just dispensing meds and bandaging physical wounds; it is a ministry, a service. It is an awesome privilege to be here.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Blessings
"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3: 5 and 6.
What an absolutely breathtakingly gorgeous day it was today...spring is on it's way. As I ran with friends over the George Washington bridge this afternoon, I was thinking on all of the blessings in my life, not the least was sun shining in all of it's glory on me as I felt the wind on my face. For me, running is almost like a prayer; it takes me somewhere that nothing else really can.
I saw a sparrow, crushed and broken on the sidewalk, and my heart twisted inside of me. In a strange and perhaps somewhat macabre way, it reminded me of Luke 12:6-7, "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows."
Whenever I see a sparrow, I think of this verse, and it reminds me how intricately involved God is in the affairs of my life and this world. I was at Starbs yesterday, watching a pigeon and a sparrow eating crumbs off of the sidewalk, oblivious to the passers-by. I get really taken with the simple beauties in life like that. Watching the sparrow and pigeon eating together, not fighting for crumbs, but sharing, hopping around each other in a dance of bird-dom. I don't know why, but seeing something like that brings such happiness to my soul. In a world where foul and horrible things are happening to people each day, to see birds just being birds is somehow so precious.
My friend lent me a short book, more of a poem, called "The Interview With God". It reads as follows:
I dreamed I had an interview with God.
"So you would like to interview Me?", God asked.
"If You have the time", I said.
God smiled. "My time is eternity. What questions do you have in mind for Me?"
"What surprises you most about humankind?"
God answered..."That they get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again. That they lose their health to make money...and then lose their money to restore their health. That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live in neither the present nor the future. That they live as if they will never die, and die as though they had never lived."
God's hand took mine, and we were silent for awhile.
And then I asked, "As a parent, what are some of life's lessons You want Your children to learn?"
"To learn that they cannot make anyone love them. All they can do is let themselves be loved. To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness. To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in those they love, and it can take many years to heal them. To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it differently. To learn that it is not enough that they forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves."
"Thank You for Your time", I said. "Is there anything else You'd like Your children to know?"
God smiled and said..."Just know that I am here...always."
~Author Unknown
What an absolutely breathtakingly gorgeous day it was today...spring is on it's way. As I ran with friends over the George Washington bridge this afternoon, I was thinking on all of the blessings in my life, not the least was sun shining in all of it's glory on me as I felt the wind on my face. For me, running is almost like a prayer; it takes me somewhere that nothing else really can.
I saw a sparrow, crushed and broken on the sidewalk, and my heart twisted inside of me. In a strange and perhaps somewhat macabre way, it reminded me of Luke 12:6-7, "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows."
Whenever I see a sparrow, I think of this verse, and it reminds me how intricately involved God is in the affairs of my life and this world. I was at Starbs yesterday, watching a pigeon and a sparrow eating crumbs off of the sidewalk, oblivious to the passers-by. I get really taken with the simple beauties in life like that. Watching the sparrow and pigeon eating together, not fighting for crumbs, but sharing, hopping around each other in a dance of bird-dom. I don't know why, but seeing something like that brings such happiness to my soul. In a world where foul and horrible things are happening to people each day, to see birds just being birds is somehow so precious.
My friend lent me a short book, more of a poem, called "The Interview With God". It reads as follows:
I dreamed I had an interview with God.
"So you would like to interview Me?", God asked.
"If You have the time", I said.
God smiled. "My time is eternity. What questions do you have in mind for Me?"
"What surprises you most about humankind?"
God answered..."That they get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again. That they lose their health to make money...and then lose their money to restore their health. That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live in neither the present nor the future. That they live as if they will never die, and die as though they had never lived."
God's hand took mine, and we were silent for awhile.
And then I asked, "As a parent, what are some of life's lessons You want Your children to learn?"
"To learn that they cannot make anyone love them. All they can do is let themselves be loved. To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness. To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in those they love, and it can take many years to heal them. To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it differently. To learn that it is not enough that they forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves."
"Thank You for Your time", I said. "Is there anything else You'd like Your children to know?"
God smiled and said..."Just know that I am here...always."
~Author Unknown
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Psych, Sunday, and Sunshine
Sundays are always days of great joy to me, basically because it is the one time of the week where I get to go to church and hear an amazing sermon and sing my heart out to God all of the hymns that I love so much, and today was no different. The sermon today really touched me, and, as per usual, was what I needed to hear.
The last few weeks have been rather rough, emotionally. I have been in my psych rotation, so for roughly 20hrs a week for the past five weeks I have been in the company of severely depressed, schizophrenic, suicidal, etc. people in a locked unit. It was just really difficult to try to maintain professional distance when there are so many people in so much pain, trapped by the circumstances of whatever illness they are suffering. My heart literally aches; I feel helpless in the midst of so much pain, and I want to wave a magic wand and release them from their trials. Even now, writing this, I feel once again the sadness and hopelessness that I felt every day when I walked on the unit. It took everything in me to just make it through this, and fight the sadness that seemed to want to take over me again. I know I have issues with entering too much into people's pain; I am trying to work on it. But for now, it seems nearly impossible to not weep with them, and struggle with them. But then that just leaves two sad people, and how can I help anyone then?
So anyway, I was ripe for the sermon I heard today. As usual, God reached out His hand to me and held me as my heart wept with thinking about all of the people I've met the past few weeks, and what the future holds for them. Each individual life, precious, a gift of God, and trapped in their sickness. It makes me angry and sad and all those things. But I digress.
The sermon was about the power of the Gospel, and it's absolute difference from all other religions out there. Every other religion says, "This is what I must do..." to gain security, salvation, etc. The Gospel says, "This is what has been done." A completely different take. Tim Keller talked about justification, and what that really means. When God says that we are 'justified by grace, through faith, not of our works so that no one can boast', He is defining the relationship. Justification is not about changing the thing, but about changing the relationship to the thing. Jesus not only gave us forgiveness by His death, but, in spite of all the stuff wrong with humanity, He changed God's relationship to us. If all that Jesus gave us was forgiveness, that would be like letting us out of prison, but then saying, "Okay. You're out. Now get a job and be productive and do all the rest yourself." But the Gospel, the Good News, is not like that. It is like being let out of jail and then getting the Congressional Medal of Honor on top of that. Not only are we forgiven, we are heaped with all the medals that Jesus deserved. Pretty crazy amazing. 2 Corinthians 5:21 "God made Him sin, Who knew no sin, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him." Jesus took what our flaws deserve; it really doesn't matter how 'holy' or good or anything we are or try to be. That is completely beside the point. God loves me. In spite of all of the unrighteousness in my heart. He loves ME.
Every human being is looking for acceptance, for someone outside of themselves to assure them that they are worthwhile, that they have value. We all look for that in a myriad of ways. We are all out there trying to earn approval and value; "look at my money, look at my job, look how beautiful I am, I am in this relationship and he/she loves me" etc. We don't call it "looking for righteousness", but that is essentially what it is.
There were a few patients that I met in the ward who were there because of mental breakdowns and suicide attempts after the stock market crash. It looked like they had built their self-worth, their value, their identity on how much money they could make. They were looking for justification, for righteousness, in wealth. Some do it with beauty. "If only I were prettier, then I'd be loved". Look at the fashion industry. The whole point is to say, "Hey, if you buy these clothes, you'll feel good about yourself and be happy and loved and accepted."
In and of themselves, money, clothes, beauty, etc. aren't bad. But when they are used for something they were never meant for, they become destructive. Since we are all afraid of being outsiders, of being the unpopular ones, we cling to these things that were never meant to give us righteousness. And they are unstable; they can all be blown away. Every single thing on earth we look to for purpose, value, worth, etc. can be blown away. The only permanence is what Christ has done. Keller made the point that being a Christian is a standing, not a trying. It is a statement about where we are, not what we are trying to do.
Paul says, "I am not ashamed of the Gospel." Why would he say this were he not facing many people who thought he was silly or ridiculous or just plain nuts to believe what he believed? The Gospel is, by it's very nature, offensive. It offends everyone, at pretty much every level. For some, it's too easy, or too exclusive. For others, it is too simple ("no one can be sure if any of this is true so let's just live whatever way we want..")Because it is utterly different from anything anywhere in the world, it offends everybody and makes no sense to anybody!
John the Baptist, Jesus' own cousin, wondered if Jesus was Who He said He was (Matthew 11). At the end of his life, John was sitting in a jail cell, waiting to be executed, and was confused. If this Christ was Savior, why the heck was he sitting in jail? Why didn't Christ save him? He spent his life proclaiming repentance and the coming of the savior, why didn't Christ give a little back and get him out of this bind? So he sends some buddies to Jesus and says, "Are you the One or should we expect another?" Jesus didn't respond to him, "How dare you question who I am! The outrage! I will smite thee to smithereens and blow thee away! How dare you question my holiness, you who have witnessed my miracles and seen my work!"
Instead, He says (paraphrased) "I'm not offended with people who are struggling with my offensiveness. I know I'm hard. I know that this is all confusing and really not like what anyone is expecting. But come to Me and I'll answer your questions. And then come again with some more hard ones that you are struggling with." What a man! What a Savior!
The Bible is personal; it is not just an abstract set of principles, it is written by a Person to a person. It is transformational: it is the power of God in verbal form.
I have been becoming increasingly uncomfortable calling myself a Christian, simply because there have been so many awful things done in that name. People hear the word "Christian" and automatically assume certain things. Not that I blame them. But hearing Keller expound on what it really means to be a Christian today reminded me again that even if when I say "I'm a Christian" people think certain things about me or how I feel about issues or even who I am, it really doesn't matter. Because God knows my heart, He knows that it beats for Him, and that is what is important.
Being a Christian is not about being a moral, upstanding, righteous, always going to church, always living 'perfectly' person. Being a Christian, the way I think Christ meant it, is being someone who knows that she is utterly faulted and utterly loved, because of Jesus. I don't have to perform a certain way; I don't have to always do the right thing or say the right thing, I am loved by Him. Truly, it is not about me or who I am or what I can do, it's about Him, Who He is, and what He did.
Keller made the point that when one understands this, when one understands the love of God for him or her, that will seduce them to be like Jesus. It isn't the trying to be like Jesus that brings someone righteousness and God's love, it is God's love that compels me to live for Jesus. And when I fall, to remember that I am still loved.
And that made all the difference to me this morning, and let me put all of those suffering people in the psych ward in God's hands, and put my mind at rest over things I've been wrestling through. As I continue to learn and grow and flesh out what it means to follow Jesus in this world, and love and serve others in a healthy and non-self-destructive way, I thank God for the pearls of wisdom and love He sends my way.
The last few weeks have been rather rough, emotionally. I have been in my psych rotation, so for roughly 20hrs a week for the past five weeks I have been in the company of severely depressed, schizophrenic, suicidal, etc. people in a locked unit. It was just really difficult to try to maintain professional distance when there are so many people in so much pain, trapped by the circumstances of whatever illness they are suffering. My heart literally aches; I feel helpless in the midst of so much pain, and I want to wave a magic wand and release them from their trials. Even now, writing this, I feel once again the sadness and hopelessness that I felt every day when I walked on the unit. It took everything in me to just make it through this, and fight the sadness that seemed to want to take over me again. I know I have issues with entering too much into people's pain; I am trying to work on it. But for now, it seems nearly impossible to not weep with them, and struggle with them. But then that just leaves two sad people, and how can I help anyone then?
So anyway, I was ripe for the sermon I heard today. As usual, God reached out His hand to me and held me as my heart wept with thinking about all of the people I've met the past few weeks, and what the future holds for them. Each individual life, precious, a gift of God, and trapped in their sickness. It makes me angry and sad and all those things. But I digress.
The sermon was about the power of the Gospel, and it's absolute difference from all other religions out there. Every other religion says, "This is what I must do..." to gain security, salvation, etc. The Gospel says, "This is what has been done." A completely different take. Tim Keller talked about justification, and what that really means. When God says that we are 'justified by grace, through faith, not of our works so that no one can boast', He is defining the relationship. Justification is not about changing the thing, but about changing the relationship to the thing. Jesus not only gave us forgiveness by His death, but, in spite of all the stuff wrong with humanity, He changed God's relationship to us. If all that Jesus gave us was forgiveness, that would be like letting us out of prison, but then saying, "Okay. You're out. Now get a job and be productive and do all the rest yourself." But the Gospel, the Good News, is not like that. It is like being let out of jail and then getting the Congressional Medal of Honor on top of that. Not only are we forgiven, we are heaped with all the medals that Jesus deserved. Pretty crazy amazing. 2 Corinthians 5:21 "God made Him sin, Who knew no sin, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him." Jesus took what our flaws deserve; it really doesn't matter how 'holy' or good or anything we are or try to be. That is completely beside the point. God loves me. In spite of all of the unrighteousness in my heart. He loves ME.
Every human being is looking for acceptance, for someone outside of themselves to assure them that they are worthwhile, that they have value. We all look for that in a myriad of ways. We are all out there trying to earn approval and value; "look at my money, look at my job, look how beautiful I am, I am in this relationship and he/she loves me" etc. We don't call it "looking for righteousness", but that is essentially what it is.
There were a few patients that I met in the ward who were there because of mental breakdowns and suicide attempts after the stock market crash. It looked like they had built their self-worth, their value, their identity on how much money they could make. They were looking for justification, for righteousness, in wealth. Some do it with beauty. "If only I were prettier, then I'd be loved". Look at the fashion industry. The whole point is to say, "Hey, if you buy these clothes, you'll feel good about yourself and be happy and loved and accepted."
In and of themselves, money, clothes, beauty, etc. aren't bad. But when they are used for something they were never meant for, they become destructive. Since we are all afraid of being outsiders, of being the unpopular ones, we cling to these things that were never meant to give us righteousness. And they are unstable; they can all be blown away. Every single thing on earth we look to for purpose, value, worth, etc. can be blown away. The only permanence is what Christ has done. Keller made the point that being a Christian is a standing, not a trying. It is a statement about where we are, not what we are trying to do.
Paul says, "I am not ashamed of the Gospel." Why would he say this were he not facing many people who thought he was silly or ridiculous or just plain nuts to believe what he believed? The Gospel is, by it's very nature, offensive. It offends everyone, at pretty much every level. For some, it's too easy, or too exclusive. For others, it is too simple ("no one can be sure if any of this is true so let's just live whatever way we want..")Because it is utterly different from anything anywhere in the world, it offends everybody and makes no sense to anybody!
John the Baptist, Jesus' own cousin, wondered if Jesus was Who He said He was (Matthew 11). At the end of his life, John was sitting in a jail cell, waiting to be executed, and was confused. If this Christ was Savior, why the heck was he sitting in jail? Why didn't Christ save him? He spent his life proclaiming repentance and the coming of the savior, why didn't Christ give a little back and get him out of this bind? So he sends some buddies to Jesus and says, "Are you the One or should we expect another?" Jesus didn't respond to him, "How dare you question who I am! The outrage! I will smite thee to smithereens and blow thee away! How dare you question my holiness, you who have witnessed my miracles and seen my work!"
Instead, He says (paraphrased) "I'm not offended with people who are struggling with my offensiveness. I know I'm hard. I know that this is all confusing and really not like what anyone is expecting. But come to Me and I'll answer your questions. And then come again with some more hard ones that you are struggling with." What a man! What a Savior!
The Bible is personal; it is not just an abstract set of principles, it is written by a Person to a person. It is transformational: it is the power of God in verbal form.
I have been becoming increasingly uncomfortable calling myself a Christian, simply because there have been so many awful things done in that name. People hear the word "Christian" and automatically assume certain things. Not that I blame them. But hearing Keller expound on what it really means to be a Christian today reminded me again that even if when I say "I'm a Christian" people think certain things about me or how I feel about issues or even who I am, it really doesn't matter. Because God knows my heart, He knows that it beats for Him, and that is what is important.
Being a Christian is not about being a moral, upstanding, righteous, always going to church, always living 'perfectly' person. Being a Christian, the way I think Christ meant it, is being someone who knows that she is utterly faulted and utterly loved, because of Jesus. I don't have to perform a certain way; I don't have to always do the right thing or say the right thing, I am loved by Him. Truly, it is not about me or who I am or what I can do, it's about Him, Who He is, and what He did.
Keller made the point that when one understands this, when one understands the love of God for him or her, that will seduce them to be like Jesus. It isn't the trying to be like Jesus that brings someone righteousness and God's love, it is God's love that compels me to live for Jesus. And when I fall, to remember that I am still loved.
And that made all the difference to me this morning, and let me put all of those suffering people in the psych ward in God's hands, and put my mind at rest over things I've been wrestling through. As I continue to learn and grow and flesh out what it means to follow Jesus in this world, and love and serve others in a healthy and non-self-destructive way, I thank God for the pearls of wisdom and love He sends my way.
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