Infidelity

I read something tonight that really affected me...and, I had to write about it. The article chronicled the relationship of a husband and wife, married twenty years, who suddenly had to deal with the devastation of his betrayal. Here are some excerpts:

Gary's Story

Walking down the hallway that night was one of the hardest things I'd ever done. I knew this could be the end of everything I cared about--my family, friends, business, church--all of it. But I had to deal with it now...I whispered my dreaded confession (to Mona, his wife) "I've betrayed you. I've been unfaithful." How did this happen? We had a good marriage and three sons we loved deeply. But the busyness of life had pulled at us, and we'd gradually grown apart. Then a friendship with a co-worker had gotten out of control. One innocent touch insidiously led to more. An affair began, and a day became a week, then a month, then three years.
When Mona and I got married, we knew our marriage would work. We were best friends who loved and respected each other. 10 years later we both became Christians. Now we had another tie to hold us firmly together. But in our packed schedules, we rarely had time or energy for "us". In reality, we'd become caught up in a life that was pushing us along separate paths.

Mona's Story

I was totally blindsided. He'd been having an affair with my best Christian friend for the past few years, and I'd never even suspected; I'd trusted them both implicitly. I had no idea our marriage was even vulnerable. My friends thought he was wonderful -- he did dishes and laundry; he changed diapers. We were friends; we could talk about anything. Sure, we'd had our moments in two decades of marriage, but nothing insurmountable. Had I been that bad a wife? I felt a stirring of rage. I was nauseous. Was I a complete idiot to have been so in the dark? I spent the rest of that night weeping, heartache penetrating every inch of my being. I felt more alone than I've ever been.
That night of revelation 17 years ago was beyond painful. But it also marked the beginning of our recovery. Not because either of us believed we could heal, but because we felt we had nothing more to lose. All we knew was that we wanted to follow God in this, no matter where that led.
The night Gary confessed, neither of us expected restoration. We doubted the pain would ever go away. But now we know adultery, as destructive as it is, doesn't automatically mean a death sentence for a marriage. The same Savior who enables sinners to stand pure before a holy God can restore what is in shambles to something beautiful and fulfilling.



Eventually, with a lot of hard work and prayer, they rebuilt their marriage and are now role models for couples who come to therapy for infidelity issues.

This article was so powerful to me, for a ton of reasons. But mostly because it reiterated what I already knew to be true: with God, all things are possible. Truly, He can take the most destructive and heartbreaking of situations and use them for much good.

There is incredible pain in this world; both outside us and within us. Hearts break every day, for myriad reasons. It is too much to comprehend. Relationships can fall apart, for reasons beyond understanding, and leave a destruction in their wake. But there is hope. There is always hope. Because of what Jesus did for us by dying on the cross, our ultimate enemy (Satan) is defeated, and all of the promises of God in the Bible for His children are true. The promise I have been holding close to me these past few months, as I continue to heal, is the fact that I know that what Satan has intended for evil in my life, God will use for good. That's a pretty awesome place to be, I think. What is bad, God uses for good. What is good, God uses for good. So whether bad or good, God uses it for good.

That is not to say, with pie-in-the-sky naivete, that one should just pull themselves up and get on with it and life goes on swimmingly. No. Life is hard. And to get to a place of healing and wholeness takes incredible amounts of hard work and fortitude. It takes minutes, hours, on your knees before God, putting everything in His lap. It takes support from amazing friends, and a deep-seated knowledge that you are loved. Completely. Seen completely, with all of our warts, and loved completely. It is against a foundation like that that the problems and difficulties of life can be put in their place and overcome. And much as lifting weights at the gym can make our muscles strong, lifting problems in our lives by dealing with them can make our internal 'muscles', our self-worth and identity, stronger.

And it is easy, in this situation, to take the role of the victim, and denigrate the perpetrator. But one also has to be honest with oneself, and when one is ready, and has worked through the first flush of despair. It is easy to think, "I am good; he is bad. He did this to me. He was the jerk." The thing is, even if that is true in this situation, the root of it is false. How many times have I been a jerk? How many times have I hurt others? Many. I think it helps to be able to take a look at yourself honestly and realize the ways in which you, too, are tempted. The ways that you have failed in the relationship. The things inside of you which are selfish, and unkind, and unfaithful. And then the other person ceases to be the devil in your mind, but you can see them as they are: someone who is broken, like you. Someone who has his battles and his trials in this life, like you. Someone who is imperfect, like you. Like me. It does not lessen the grief, the pain, the weight of the betrayal, but it provides a context within which to work. To look at life realistically and realize that we all, all of us, have fallen short of the goodness of God. Every single one of us.

My prayer for everyone reading this would be that you would drop all of your pain and trials at God's feet for His help. And that your hearts would experience Him, and what He has done, and what He can do.
Blessings.