Burnout

I'm frustrated and tired. Today was hard. We have a test on cardiology, genitourinary/gastrointestinal, and diabetes in two days, and I can’t seem to motivate myself to study. It’s not like I know the material backwards and forwards; there is every reason why I need to study. And yet, nothing really seems compelling enough for me.
At clinical today, I was caring for an adorable little three-yr-old with Hodgkin’s lymphoma. She had the biggest brown eyes, fringed with long eyelashes, eyes that told a story. What a spirit she had as well! Giving out fives wherever she went, she loved my stethoscope, and took it off of my neck to clean it and play with it. I had to listen to her lung sounds, and she was most cooperative, turning her back to greet me. Afterward, I told her she could listen to my heart, and she put on my stethoscope, putting the bell to my chest, and looking up at me and smiling. “Do you hear my heart?” I smiled at her. “Yeth”, she whispered/lisped back. “Am I alive?” “Yeth!” This little girl had been through so much, her family through so much, and yet she was still smiling and playing. I wish I could be like that, smiling and playing even when life is difficult.
Our preceptors today asked if we realized that we are going to be nurses in less than two months. That is a serious responsibility, and we need to know our stuff if we are not going to kill someone. One of them talked at us for a long time, telling us that we didn’t want to look like idiots if a doctor asked us for something and we didn’t know what it was. She said that she knows that they are pushing us hard, but we need to be ready. We don’t want to go home some night, unable to live with ourselves because of what happened at the hospital that day.
It was sobering, and a little over the top. We are all already so ready for a break. Fatigue comes in many forms, and we are quickly becoming familiar with all of them. We signed up for this, this is what we want to do, but sometimes the pressure gets to be too much. When I physically cannot make myself study for a test that I know I need to study for, I know something is wrong. I came home from clinical today and crawled right into bed, falling asleep and sleeping for two hours. I couldn’t sleep last night for thinking about integration starting in two weeks. I am terrified; most likely I will have to work nights, and I already know that my body, mind, and spirit really suck at handling night shift work. It is only for two months, but I am just flat-out scared.
I am sick of feeling like I am in the way at the hospital. I am there to learn, and I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, especially the nurses who are already so busy. We are told to get in there and do stuff, but then told that we can’t or shouldn’t do stuff. It is difficult to convince myself to take vitals on a patient that has already had vitals taken two times that morning, simply because I have to report back that I did them. I feel caught in this netherworld of nursing; on the one hand, I want to get in there, learn all I can, and do the best I can for the patient. On the other, I see the look of frustration on the faces of the nurses when I ask yet another question or someone bumps into me when they are rushing around, desperate to get things done. And I don’t fault them for it; I always hated having a shadow at my old job; it made my day twice as long because I had to stop and explain everything. The nurses just straight up don’t have time for that, so often, I won’t even meet the nurse taking care of my patient until the morning is halfway over. I’m just sick of feeling unknowledgable, like my hands are tied. I go in, introduce myself to a family, and they ask me something about the patient, what were her lab results? Why is she going to the OR yet again? I can’t log myself into the system, and everyone is too busy for me to ask, so I don’t know. I haven’t had a chance to read her charts yet. I want to be able to give this grandma an answer, tears are welling in her eyes as she strokes her granddaughter’s hand. “She just bin through so durn much. And thez doctors, they jes using her as a guinea pig. I know it. Thez jes stickin her and stickin her cuz they want to use her.” What this woman must have gone through thus far to make her feel this way. But I have nothing to say, other than that I will get her nurse for her and have her come and fill her in on the plan for the day. All I can offer her is a cup of water, but she turns it down. What good am I to her? Her granddaughter is lying in bed, sedated from pain meds, missing her senior year of high school because of her leukemia, and I offer her water. I can’t give her the information she needs, and I see the helplessness in her eyes. It strikes at my heart, but there is nothing I can do.
Maybe today was just a rough day, maybe I am just burned out, I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t lose focus, I need to stay focused. I went to Starbucks when it opened this morning, getting a large cup of coffee and just sitting there, letting the steam warm my face. I have never felt like this before; like a sled dog, getting ready to run the Iditarod, but constantly being held back. I am straining at the harness, anxious to start the race. And yet, paradoxically, I am tired and overwhelmed. I still haven’t found out my integration placement, and I am anxious to get planning for that. So many little things to do and get ready for and I can’t seem to muster the strength to do any of it.